Well, if Lex would just kiss him ...

Yeah, I know, way behind, but I wanted it for my own reference --

Superman is a dick.

TF update

Double post, and Blogger's acting up. NM.

TF update

Trans-pals, but you may wish to take a break from inflating my hit count. No further news will be coming out of here for a while -- I won't be working on the movie for the next few months.

Nothing horrible, everything's cool. But I was technically contracted to start another movie when the Transformers gig popped up. The producers of that flick -- including one-of-us Akiva Goldsman -- were real gentlemen about the situation and stepped aside for the duration of the high-intensity TF first draft. They didn't have to, and the fact they did is one of the coolest things I've encountered in my 10-odd years of TV and film writing.

The next Transformers production pass, adressing specific producer notes, will be executed by another writer or set of writers. I'll be off doing this new project, will lock in the shooting draft for Fatal Frame (I meet with the director tomorrow) then will probably swing back in later on for a polish --I'm still under contract for TF. This is all part of the business we call "show", and you should all be assured that the project is a.) on schedule and on track and b.) still has rabidly protective and enthusiastic producers riding herd on it.

But now you only have Don and Tom DeSanto to harass. Sic 'em.

Idiots Guide to Bit Torrent

all right, all right, I've been mucking around -- I can hardly write an essay on 4GM without trying iot out -- but if somebody wants to point me to a good intro/summary and save me a couple days of learning curve, it would be appreciated.

OH sweet broadband!

Escaped from the bitch-goddess dial-up. I've got a ton of upkeep to do in links, emails etc. But in the meantime a book recommendation: Ropert Cooper's The Breaking of Nations: Order and Chaos in the Twenty-First Century.

Unlike Barnett's insightful but massively frustrating work, Cooper collects some of his essays into a framework of analysis that's crisp, clean, and useful. His analysis if the role of diplomacy in the new world is particularly interesting. It's a weekend read you won't regret.

Um, hi there, strangers.

Geesh, hello, thousand or so humans who showed up today because Warren pointed over here.

For those just joining us, please, linger amongst the archives. There's the series on Screenwriting in the real world, including some random notes on the Transformers script scattered around. I also recommend some books you haven't read.

There are the True Geek Conversations (TGC), all guaranteed to have actually, sadly, occured. Related to these are rants on the Fantastic Four trailer and a new problem in genre writing, Fandamentalism.

And besides the comic/film/geek rants, there are some political humor posts, including Oh. Oh Canada, Spongiform Sexuality, Who's your Daddy Broward County and I Miss Republicans, which was nominated for a Koufax Award this year.

Enjoy, and be sure to visit our attractive snack-bar and blog-roll. I don't randomly link, so every site over to your rightis guaranteed to exceed daily recommended doses of weirdness, amusement, or information.

Now that the pimping is done, back to business. As several of our friends point out in the comments to "Womb Crazy!", one must add Moore and Gaiman to the list of writer who fight the womb-crazy (thanks for Molly, Gaiman, seriously). Also James Robinson on STARMAN, which in my opinion is one of the finest continuous runs on any one book -- it's all in trades now, so you should grab it. Also, the only reason I even gave a rat's ass about Sue was by meeting her in Star City.

Got to go with Jeff Smith and BONE ...

I haven't read enough Adam Warren, but people assure me he's cool, so I'll go with it. One could dive into the Terry Moore end of the pool, but my point here, of course, is not that there aren't (a few) well-written female characters in comics. But these ain't the flagships, people. These aren't the multi-part continuity arc guys. The year in super-suits was defined by both companies as the year of Crisis and Disassembled. And they were defined, in turn, by their estrogen-mad mavens of villainy.

Comics: Womb Crazy!!

Identity Crisis. Avengers Disassembled. The “event” books of the year.

In DC’s Identity Crisis, the loved ones of the JLA are threatened by a mysterious killer. The plot revolves around a dark episode in the group’s past.

In Marvel’s Avengers Disassembled, the Avengers are threatened by a mysterious killer. The plot revolves around a dark episode in the group’s past.

Now, I like, no, LOVE work done by both the writers of these series. But what the hell happened here? In both series, big-time smart heroes are willfully idiotic in order to advance the plot. I’m as big a fan as anyone of a writer finding a neglected character and spiffing them up, but not by making other characters complete dolts. Green Arrow is the new hotness – Yay! Batman is suddenly Hamilton Burgher -- Booo!*

Someone’s gathered all the Avengers into one place and is killing them! Horrors, how will we unravel … oh. Wait. Where’s Wanda? You know, she’s usually right next to us. What are the odds this is the day she would mysteriously disappear? Huh. Anyway – WHO COULD BE USING THEIR INCREDIBLE REALITY-ALTERING POWERS AGAINST US? WHOOOOOOOOO?!

There’s a term in television writing, coined by Hank Azaria when he was working on Herman’s Head. He’d ask the writers “Who’s carrying the idiot ball this week?” In sitcoms, many plots depend on someone making a ridiculously mistaken assumption, or a bad choice, or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time … the character who’s driving the plot that week with their poor judgment is “carrying the idiot ball.”

The idiot ball gets passed around these two series like anime porn at a Japanese middle school. As noted before, Hawkeye dies because his quiver, filled with exploding arrows, catches on fire. You’d think a guy with several pounds of high-explosives strapped to his back would have some sort of quick release system. But no, apparently Tony Stark and Reed Richards hadn’t mastered seat-belt technology. Hey Iron Man, look in a Honda Civic sometime, it’ll knock you on your ass. Jean Loring just happened to be carrying around a flamethrower. As one does. Batman, tracking the villainous Calculator, is outwitted by the equivalent of the old “two pay phones taped together” trick. Time after time, right after a really cool moment, the idiot ball comes smashing through the window.

Moving out of the petty (but not inaccurate) realm of nit-picking, both series have a distressing common theme. This was the year when comics could be summed up by:

“Dah Wimmin’s Gone Craaaazyyyy!”

I’m not going to hop on the violence-misogyny bandwagon here – not just the female heroes come out looking bad in these series, pretty much everybody in a cape does. And I ain’t saying anything there that hasn’t been covered by much smarter people. No, I want to address the villains in these series. Both villains are not just insane … they are insane for specifically weak-ass girly reasons.

Wanda kills because she wants babies. Jen Loring kills because she wants a hug.

They’re not just crazy. They’re WOMB CRAZY.

What. The. Hell? Seriously, are there no female editors? No female friends of these writers who could go “Umm, you know, maybe this kind of sucks?” Good God, this sort of sorry-ass understanding of women’s internal motivations was supposed to have died out in the 1910’s, back when “hysteria” was a madness literally attributed to the presence – not even a disorder in, but the more presence of – wimmin’s parts. Bendis and Meltzer are arguably two of the best guys typing comics right now, and both of their opuses rest on women in the throes of hysterical womb-madness?

No, I repeat, NO year-long universe-shaking arc in comics should be able to be cleared up by time in the community health center’s Talking Circle and some Xanax.

I know I’m just an enthusiastic amateur dipping his toe in a very well-established world. But this shit’s got to stop. There are some very talented writers working on female heroes. Gail Simone; Waid always does them well; call me a slut for him, but Warren Ellis treats ‘em right; Giff, of course; Rucka with Tara Chace and that new SCU boss … and of course a few others. But what we need, really need, is some good female VILLAINS. Somebody maybe a little different from the Madonna/whore complex of Selina Kyle or the “deadly kiss” of Poison Ivy. Even Harley Quinn, as much fun as she is, is a villain because she’s Joker’s girlfriend.

It’s time for some cunning bastard with a double XX-set. Some woman who, when she pops up with a grin on the JLA viewscreen, makes Batman’s teeth grind.

Conan Doyle created Irene Adler in 1891. And comics are still catching up?

*(look it up. I’m not going to explain them all)

Comics: Year of the Bummer

(looking forward to the flames on the next two. Please, constructive remarkes in the comments, hate mail to the e-mail. Thanks)

I noticed, as the year crept on, an unsettling depression creeping over me on Wednesday afternoons. Now, this was remarkable, as Wednesday is the day I lie to everyone and say I’m writing on my laptop at the coffee shop, instead go to Meltdown Comics on Sunset, pick up the week’s books, and then run to the food court and read comics and eat pizza and weep and purge and weep and purge …

I share too much. The point being, this should be a happy day. Why the hell was I so bummed?

I think it’s because, for some reason, nothing much I read this year was, well, fun. It was the Year of the Bummer. Some of them were well-written bummers. Some of them were the best plot choice. But some of them were just lazy, and dreck.

The return of Books of Magic is unceasingly dour and cryptic. This is actually a different impending rant, so let’s leave it at that.

I’m probably just having a problem with Hellblazer because it’s coming off such an amazing run, and now is sliding back into pariah-Constantine. Rake at the Gates of Hell, people, just stay on that, and the book’ll be fine.

The Flash had a secret identity and then, didn’t, again. (In screenwriting we call that an “up and back”, and what is considered a flaw in movies and television is apparently Comic Writing 101)

The big Bat-crossover, War Games, besides being yet another blow to Gotham’s property values -- seriously, can you even get home insurance in that city? – not only brutally beat to death a young female character I kind of dug, but also relied on the plot device of somebody stealing one of Batman’s contingency plans. Mark Waid did it first and best in the Tower of Babel arc in JLA. Okay, after the first time somebody uses Bats’ own unmatched tactical genius against him, I’m thinking he’s gonna get some better encryption. Maybe a firewall. Because, you know … he’s an unmatched tactical genius. Fool me once, etc. etc.

Speedy has AIDS. ‘nuff said.

I’m a big fan of the Bats/Superman crossover book, despite the dueling thought bubbles. But the whole “evil heroes” arc … yay, I get to see Supes strangle Diana to death with her own lasso. My life wasn’t complete without that moment.

A great Aquaman relaunch turns into Aquaman fighting … the spread of heroin in Sub Diego. Soon McGruff the Crime Carp will join him.

Gwen Stacy gets dry-husk-sucked in the Ultimate book.

Robert Kirkman, who I think is fantastic, has Walking Dead (yes, I get the double entendre) and Invincible. Walking Dead is now adding characters just so they can die miserably, making increasingly illogical choices along the way. Also, I don’t know what Kirkman’s home life is like, but DAMN the wife in this book is a hateful shrew. She just bitched in the last issue, about how hero Dan keeps “taking off” and how she’s “sick of him.” Oh, you mean the guy you LEFT IN A COMA? The guy who crossed the post-apocalyptic wasteland of the flesh-eating dead because he LOVED YOU? The guy who saved your ass and the collective asses of everyone in the group MULTIPLE TIMES? The guy who was incredibly cool about maybe your baby not being his? Seriously, nobody’s that pinheaded.

And Invincible – still one of my favorite books – teeters on the edge of pathos. More Atlantean courtship fights, less with the drunky-drunky mom.

100 Bullets, well, it’s supposed to be grim. But added to the Year of Bummers …

We3 – wonderful. But mega-bummer.

Peripherally, I actually liked some of the Cross-Gen books. Poof.

Just as the New Avengers kicks my ass and delights me, it turns out there’s a traitor in their midst! Good Lord, can’t just tell some interesting team stories, can we, we have to break the paradigm from moment one. Bummer.

Mark Millar … heh. Why, why, when he has such chops, does he insist on the juvenile eye-stabbing? In the same book he writes one of the best Hulk variants and by far the smartest Thor update, he turns Cap into a right-wing asshole and completely misses the point of Nick Fury – Fury’s a bastard, but he’s a righteous bastard. (Oh, and by the way, big props to Ed Brubaker for, in his latest issue of Captain America, a classy, thorough bitch-slap of Millar’s “Does this A on my head stand for ‘France’?!” crap) WANTED is maybe, maybe the worst idea in comics. In a decade. Oooo,. Look, I’m writing the seductive side of evil! Ooo, look, I reject your petty morality! Yes, yes, but without some sort of moral framework underneath, it’s like a twelve-year old showing off a stick-on tattoo and thinking it makes him tough. To paraphrase Repo Man, “Fuck nihilism, at least anarchy’s an ethos.” I’ve seen WANTED compared to Fight Club. Well, if you believe that, you also missed the point of Fight Club. Just like you missed the point of The Authority when you ran that into the ground.

New rule: I’m not buying another Millar book unless he can get through an entire year without a wife-beating or a sodomy reference. I will actually contribute a $1000 to the Comic Book Legal Defense fund if Millar can write twelve issues without them.

Which leads us to the two biggest bummers of the year, united by a common them I like to call ...