Wednesday, May 18, 2005

That Ironic Smell ...

... is what caused us to become concerned, and break into Irony's apartment. To, of course, find it dead. Irony is not only dead, but the cats had a while to work on its soft bits as it lay on the kitchen floor.

I come back from a four day holiday with no news coverage to find this?

(Warning -- Atypical rant commencing.)

This administration -- the guys who threw out the Geneva Convention (fact - and proudly, just ask the AG); sends prisoners to countries so they can be tortured (factitty fact fact); and put into place policies which led to images of Muslim men, 70-90% of whom were innocent according to the Department of Defense, being electroshocked , dog attacked, and bound naked, these images being spread worldwide -- these guys claim Newsweek is damaging America's image abroad? Newsweek?

Gee, any of you idiots bitching about Newsweek stop to think why the Afghan people even believed this? It's not like the plate was set for this to be credible behaviour.

Abdul: Mumar, my friend, even though I was innocent, they tortured me, stripped me naked, waterboarded me, had dogs attack me, and shocked my nuts!
Mumar: I heard they also desecrated the Qu'ran.
Abdul: Please! How could you believe such a thing?
Mumar: ... Dude, they shocked your nuts.
Abdul: So? They have taken cultural sensitivity courses. They would never cross that line!
Mumar: I am filled with shame at jumping to unwarranted conclusions.

Did Newsweek fuck up? Of course. They single-sourced a story. Although I'm a little hazy about how this causality of blame works:

1.) Newsweek hears from government official about Qu'ran abuse.
2.) Newsweek, knowing this is controversial, gives the story to another government official for confirmation.
3.) This government official does not correct that item.
4.) Newsweek publishes story with a single detail which has been reported multiple times in other newspapers.
5.) Afghanistan, already a tinderbox because of the incompetence of even more government officials who botched the reconstruction, erupts. Into riots which, according to someone who is probably smarter than I, oh, say, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, are actually related to the ongoing reconciliation process more than the article.
6.) Government officials bemoan Newsweek's carelessness.

Of course, nobody cared when the media single-sourced stories on, say, WMD's or whether the occupation would go smoothly. But we're sharper now.

According to the autopsy, what finally pushed Irony over the edge was this:

Larry DiRita, the spokesman for the Pentagon, actually had the NUTSACK to say, of the original source "People are dead because of what this sonuvabitch said. How could he be credible now?"

He actually had the big brass stones, standing there atop Iraq with no WMD's, no links to al-queda, and no links to 9-11 ... he had the unholy testicular power to stand on the corpses of 1600 dead American soldiers, 15,000 wounded American soldiers, tens of thousands of probably-dead-but-we-don't-count-them-because-they're-brown innocent bystander Iraquis and claim the moral high ground on credibility?

I am actually beyond humor. I'm in awe.

So let me see if I understand this.

-- Osama bin Ladin, Zaquari, and Omar are still strolling around ...
-- the Taliban is making a comeback. The Taliban, a group which after 9/11 which should have been so thoroughly vaporized in such a horrifyingly white-smoting-light-of-righteous-violence that even now a mere random combination of the syllables "Tal"," i", and "ban" should cause grown men to wet themselves at the unspeakable memory of their fate, they apparently have a sign-up sheet going in Pakistan like a fucking office softball team ...
-- Afghanistan's a destabilized hellhole.
-- Iraq, according to even the most optimistic of planners, will chew up American troops for at least five more years ...
-- Iraq is an insurgent war hell because (whether you agreed with the reasons for the original war or not) nobody planned for the occupation, based on the rosy beliefs of a few "government officials" ...
-- We have, demonstrably, statistically, one of the worst health care systems of the industrialized world ...
-- Tax cuts have put this country in the hole to the Chinese ...
-- North Korea and Iran are about to go nuclear ...
-- the government's now declared that pensions are fair game for the corporate fucking-off train, possibly stranding 36 million hard-working day-job Americans ...

... and they've got everyone screaming about Newsweek. That's ... just unspeakably beautiful. It's brilliant. That's Lex Luthor brilliant. It's so magnificently evil, I wish I'd done it, just to be able to say I pulled something like that off. When you manipulate public opinion like that so shamelessly, with such breathless artistry, you should seriously be doing it from inside a giant rampaging robot head. It's the only context that makes any sense.

We are officially in post-modern politics in the US.

Really, congrats to everyone who gives a rat's ass about this. I can't wait until the day, standing in the flaming ruins of America's impending economic collapse, watching as Third World countries race past us in technology, education and power, our populace grown disaffected and violently cynical over repeated betrayals and trivializations of the great governmental process, the day when I can turn to my trusty gyrocopter pal and -- raising my voice over the inconvenient weeping of another mother whose kid has died in Iraq -- say "Hey, remember when Newsweek single-sourced a story?"

Boy, that'll be the kicker right there.

22 comments:

Joe Matthews said...

I wrote an essay titled "Jesus Christ, I want my absurdity back. They've stolen it and are using it for evil." I can't watch the Simpsons anymore, or Fox in general.

But I prefer to focus on the serious action required to fix the problem.

Sorry, don't have the patience to squint through the whole post.

DMc said...

The sad thing is that Irony Mark Twain'ed it just long enough after 9/11, just long enough, pulled itself up by its little flipper hands and off the op-ed pages from September through November 2001, convalesced for a while, took a breather, had a smoothie and built its strength back just enough to go down in this macabre, brilliant fashion. Shoot out the lights. We're done.

Great post.

caseyko74 said...

I am just hoping there is some semblance of a world for my son when he gets older.
I don't even get the politics game anymore. The public just doesn't seem to care. They just want don't seem to care we are turning the world into shit. I have friends who are well educated telling me everything is fine, and they trust the Republicans are doing what is right.

Soon I will be back in New Orleans. Fucked up with it's own problems and pretty much cut off from the rest of the world, except when yall come down to get drunk and make asses of yourselves. I might join you some now.

Alex Epstein said...

Yeah, that's why I live in Canada, now.

Anonymous said...

Brilliantly said. Wonderfully funny, brilliantly angry, and so true it made my stomach hurt to read it. Thank you. I think.

geoff said...

You owe me a new Smug-O-Meter, John. Mine just fucking exploded.

1031 said...

Absolutely brilliant. Thanks, John. I needed a good laugh, which is pretty horrible, isn't it? Everything you wrote is true, yet it's so absurd, so utterly beyond comprehension, that all we can do is laugh about it.

It's either that, or shed tears.

Rob Cottingham said...

I've been searching for the right words to express my shame-faced awe at the audacity of the right, and here you go and nail it with this passage: "When you manipulate public opinion like that so shamelessly, with such breathless artistry, you should seriously be doing it from inside a giant rampaging robot head."

That Girl said...

You're brilliant!

Jaded said...

Amazing that we don't have a revolution going on at home yet. I thought the original principal behind going to Iraq might have had some merit, but if we didn't have a better plan we shouldn't have gone. Possibility of weapons of mass destruction and giving aid to the Taliban seemed like good reasons, until you realized that it was all just an excuse to take our eyes of Afganistan and the war we weren't winning. But wait let's just blame Newsweek!

Anonymous said...

I can't wait 'till all the world is just like it is in my back yard. Then I won't feel like I'm missing anything while buying guns and watching TV. Hooray Empire!

Raka said...

I normally have a deeply-ingrained resistance to leaving comments that offer nothing more than a hearty "Well done, sir!". But this is just so well-crafted, so simultaneously factual and funny and scathing and sad and... and...

Well done, sir!

said...

インプラントにしたい」と思ったときが最も治療に適したタイミングたまに「インプラントにするには何歳ぐらいが適していますか」という質問を受けますが、ご本人がインプラントにしたいと思ったときに手術を行うのがベストと思います。FX・外国為替証拠金取引の比較サイト「FX-外為比較.com」では、複数の条件からFX外国為替会社の比較!また資料請求、口座開設もできます。

said...

アデコの派遣の求人情報・仕事情報サイトです。毎日更新される派遣の豊富な求人情報の中から、あなたにピッタリのお仕事をご紹介いたします。派遣の仕事探しはアデコへお任せください。"クレジットカード 現金化にはカード個人信用を著しく落とすシステムが殆どですが、ヤエスチケットのシステムの場合は利用カードと指定商品との安全性や相性を長年のデータとノウハウを熟知しており、安心で信頼できるしっかりとした方法でご案内しています。

said...

引越のことならキング引越センター(株) 引越業界No.1クラスの安さと安心。お客様にあった様々なプランをご用意。秘密厳守なので単身女性も安心のキング引越センター

said...

FX、(外国為替取引)はじめるなら、為替マーケット。- FXの新東京シティ証券外国為替取引はじめるなら、新東京シティ証券の『為替マーケット』。最新FX情報を手に入れてリスクの少ないFX取引!仮想トレードでの外国為替無料体験も

said...

不動産不動産東京都賃貸から全国の検索,不動産投資は不動産ゲット東京都 不動産不動産 東京,東京 賃貸,賃貸 東京,新築マンション,賃貸マンション,住宅,土地,戸建,店舗,事務所,新築分譲マンション,不動産GET,不動産ゲット

said...

美容整形に携わる美容ドクター専門プロフサイト 美容の杜美容整形に関するお問い合わせ整形することによって絶対的な美を得られるわけではありません。『自分は変わった』という事実を物理的に確認することで、気にな……

said...

クレジットカード 現金化
不動産
投資
派遣
データ復旧
コンタクトレンズ
インプラント
不動産
FX
アフィリエイト
キャッシング
toefl
パソコン自作

cheap hair loss pills said...

The dude is completely right, and there is no skepticism.

escort tenerife said...

The thing you are saying is a horrible mistake.

Riyan Cilacap said...

Thank You Verry Much, Ijin nitip gan dan trimaksih atas infonya

Obat Sakit Kelamin De Nature
Pengobatan Kutil Kelamin
Cara Mengobati Kutil Kelamin
Kutil Kelamin
Obat Kutil Kelamin
Obat Condyloma
Obat Jengger Ayam
Obat Sipilis
Obat Gonore
Obat Raja Singa
Obat Kencing Nanah
Obat Chlamydia
Obat Herpes
Obat Herpes Genital
Obat Herpes Kelamin
Obat Herpes Zoster
Obat Herpes Badan
Obat Jengger Ayam
Obat Kutil Kelamin
Obat Kondiloma
Obat Condyloma Accuminata
Obat Jengger Ayam Pria Dan Wanita
Obat Kutil Kelamin Pada Pria Dan Wanita