Thursday, April 21, 2005

LOST: "You Uncurious Motherf*ckers"

I know this is perilously close to fanfic, but I had to. Based on conversations with several other fans.

*CAUTION -- SPOILER-Y*

FADE IN:

(The group enters the cave. Along with the lead characters, there are several of the non-speaking castaways. We have gotten hold of the original, uncut footage.)

Jack: A cave ...
John: Are we safe in here? From that thing, right? That THING out there?!
Tyrone: John. Chill. It just knocked down some trees.
Charlie: And ate the pilot.
Tyrone: (beat)
Tyrone: I'm sorry, what?
Charlie: Oh, gee, did we not mention that?
Tyrone: No, you didn't, and it'd be nice if your little fucking coffee clatch decided to SHARE with the rest of us every now and then!
John: Told you.
Jack: (jumping back) Aaaaahhh!

REVEAL two DESSICATED BODIES.

John: Holy Christ on a crutch!

Jack searches the bodies. He finds two small stones, WHITE and BLACK.

Jack: Bodies. And they've been here a long time.
John: What do you think those stones mean?
Jack: Oh, hey, look, water!

Jack skips over to the waterfall. Charlie follows. John and Tyrone stare at them.

Charlie: We can move everybody up here, for the water!
John: (beat)
John: There are two frikkin' CORPSES over here!
Jack: Oh, they've been here too long to even try to figure out who they were? (back to) We'll be able to get out of the sun!
Tyrone: Why don't we check their clothing for labels, or evidence?
John: How about we even take three goddam seconds to go through their pockets for anything OTHER than Santa Fe-style jewelry? And what about those stones?
Tyrone: You're a doctor, right? At least check for blunt-force trauma.
Jack: I'm going back to the beach and tell Kate!
(Jack and Charlie exit)
John: I don't even think he's a doctor.
Tyrone: Crazy fucking white people.
John: That's unfair.
Tyrone: I'm going to hang with the brother down at the beach. Get some sanity.

CUT TO: Tyrone approaches Michael, who's glaring at Walt and burning comic books.

Tyrone: What's up?
Michael: Little bastard's reading comic books, and I'm afraid his goddam psychic powers will summon up another polar bear!
(Tyrone pauses. Begins to step away. Comes back)
Tyrone: I'm sorry. Another polar bear?
Michael: Yeah. The cracker with the abs shot him.
Tyrone: Wait. We have guns? Who the fuck decided who got the guns? Why aren't we having meetings about polar bears and guns?
(Michael shrugs. He whirls on Walt.)
Michael: No more melting SHIT WITH YOUR BRAIN!

CUT TO: Tyrone returns to the cave. John has the bodies pulled out, stripped, and is searching the fabric.

John: How'd it go --
Tyrone: Do not want to talk about it.

DAYS LATER: The other survivors huddle around a fire and a shelter dubbed the "Rosencrantz".

M.G.: So, wait, there are other people on the island?
John: First, the French lady --
Tyrone: Too far away?
John: Like, a day's walking distance. Sayid made it back limping. She had maps.
(Sayid passes.)
M.G.: I want to see the maps!
Sayid: Tough titty, day player.
(Sayid exits)
Tyrone: Can't be that far, the fat guy made it. Apparently there are some numbers and figures on the maps.
M.G.: Wait, the FAT GUY talked to the French Lady?
(Hurley passes)
M.G.: What numbers?
Hurley: They just show a weird repetitive pattern of coincidence linking myself, the flight, other survivors and even previously undiscovered inhabitants in a tapestry of malign intent.
Tyrone: Were you thinking of maybe telling the rest --
Hurley: Eh. Didn't seem to matter.
(Hurley exits. Jack and Kate rush past)
John: Jack! Wait, we want to see if we got this right.
Tyrone: (to Kate) Hey. Almost didn't recognize you with your pants on.
Jack: Okay, but I've got a real emergency on my hands!
John: Two secs. So far we know that there's not only a previous survivor here with intimate topographical knowledge of the island, and electricity --
Kate: Electricity?
Tyrone: The signal over-riding us, and Sayid said he got shocked --
John: - AND she's got guns, but there's ALSO in theory another civilized group that the Ethan guy came from, one that's well-stocked because he was in perfect health and had intimate knowledge of our situation before he inserted himself into our group.
Jack: Right.
John: Further, we can deduce that his base is less than a day from your cave camp, because when whats-her-name --
M.G.: Pregnant Hottie.
John: -- Pregnant Hottie escaped from him, she managed to make it to your caves AHEAD of a much fitter, much faster pursuer who ALSO knew the geography.
Jack: Gotcha.
John: So we have multiple alternate survivor groups with desirable information AND technology all within daylight searching, we have rough maps, we have weapons, plus two OLDER bodies which may have their own clues, but you've yet to examine. Not to mention, if we can get those woman's maps, we can use the compass to measure magnetic declination, matching that to the primitive yet functional sextant --
(M.G. proudly presents the bamboo sextant it took him twenty minutes to make)
John: -- and nail down our rough position. We can also take those long strings of numbers Fat Guy has and compare them to all the personal data of the survivors, the knowledge of the island, and find further correlations.
Jack: Okay.
John: Sooooo ... why don'twe?
Jack: Why don't we ... what?
Kate: Jack, hurry! Sawyer has my magic silver briefcase.
(Jack and Kate dash off.)
Tyrone: ... You uncurious motherfuckers.




edit: This post is getting a fair bit of traffic today. Thanks for coming. I have a quick write-up on the finale up at the home page.

34 comments:

DJ said...

You deconstructing bastard. It is way to early to Mystery Science this thing. Right is not always just. Wasn’t it enough that a descent show got on Network TV? No, you and your incredible large brain (He’s gonna cry himself to sleep on his incredible large pilla”) had to do it. Next you are going to tell me that “Deadwood” is romanticizing the West.

Hadyn said...

Bro,
Next time could you please put "Caution Spoilers" at the start. Some of us live in other parts of the world and aren't quite up to the same episode yet.

Rogers said...

sorry. everything in there is 1st half of season, thought I was safe.

Rogers said...

And I'll kill the man who disses Deadwood. I can wield a knife with my left hand, just as well as my right!

timnayar said...

Oooohhh.... I have no idea what you are referring to... I laughed though.... as much as I could... then I started feeling real dumb for that.

caseyko74 said...

You bastard.

And we need to see less of Kate in pants. Like any man on that island would complain about Kate running around without pants (okay, I might have a crush on her).

Of course now while watching the show, if they ever get their shit together and decide to string some new eps back-to-back, I will be thinking how uncurious they are.

geoff said...

Does this post mean that you caught this week's "recap everything that's happened thus far" episode?

I'm curious if it was just a way to make everyone who's followed the show from the beginning forget about the things that have been introduced so far that the writers don't have ready explanations for.

I like the show a big fat bunch, but I'm kinda piss-scared that the joke's on me, and the season finale will be forty minutes of the cast and crew pointing through the fourth wall and laughing, followed by an explanation from JJ about how the show was nothing but an elaborate sociological experiment in how to string viewers along week after week.

I mean, I haven't seen the creators publicly deny this yet, so...

Amandarama said...

That was hilarious.

Lost is awesome. I'm going into withdrawls waiting for new eps.

Rogers said...

This all comes from a place of love. Although I do have issues with the fact they were plainly vamping.

And no, don't protest. I do this for a living. I know vamping when I see it.

Chris said...

I had completely forgotten about the white and black stones on the cave-corpses. I suspect that the writers did as well...

AlphaMail said...

I laughed and laughed... and then I remembered how much I like this series... now I hate you for making me feel stupid. :)
>>>>who is this tyrone guy?<<<<<

*another Kate crush guy*

Rogers said...

Again, a place of love. I just plowed through all the eps in the last two days on TiVo including the two I hadn't watched yet. (and thany YOU, close captioning, for confirming my suspicions on what the radio said ...) I genuinely enjoy the show in a weird Land of the Lost retro way. For me, the tie-up eps will decide where I ultimately fall.

Rogers said...

Oh, Tyrone's a writer friend of mine, as is fellow LOST geek M.G. -- Mike George, who Canadian readers may remember as one fo the stars of the Candian hit series "our Hero."

Westacular said...

followed by an explanation from JJ about how the show was nothing but an elaborate sociological experiment in how to string viewers along week after week.

This is television. We already know that's what it's really about.

Raksha said...

This is freaking hilarious! Fabulous, man.

JJ said...

After another night of frustration I found this post and I say "YES!!!!" that is so dead-on. I mean -goddamn- what is wrong with Jack! Did he lose brain cells in the crash? I'm gonna take a shot for every time he doesn't care at all about another incredibly coincidental twist on the island inextricably tied to his former life.

annie said...

I. Laughed. So. Hard. Well played.

Gravity said...

Wow.

And to think that I got sick of getting jerked around and stopped watching in episode 10, season 1.

QPRHigh said...

You are one funny mo-fo. As I read your parody, I laughed; I cried; I hurled.

Thanks for making my Thursday morning Lost discussions with my boss seem like such a fruitless waste of time.

Anonymous said...

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/sawyer.php
-that should be entertaining to anyone who enjoyed this but at least this parody just about sums up my frustration and lack of patience now they killed of boone and shannon etc. it just seems so pointless now i may give up i cannot cope with yet ANOTHE series

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Anonymous said...

If Jack behaved just like John, I would never bother watching Lost. Jack behaves exactly the way a very skeptical and rational person would behave. Some people seem to forget that the audience is in a different position to the characters. We know there is something going on, but it would be silly if all the characters thought that, too.

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