Dear Fellow Gen-X'ers:
I hope this is true, and everybody gets to come home soon from a war that in my opinion was a bad idea to start with -- and regardless if you agree with me on that, any reasonable human will agree the post-war was spectacularly poorly run from soup to nuts by the Half-Assed Administration.
But I swear, I swear, if thirty years from now I see the new Century Rambo movie, where some beefcake pretend-IraqWar veteran plaintively asks his CO "Do we get to win this time?", and then the slow, pathetic, motivated-by-crotch-ular-insecurity-shift to believing the party that controlled the White House, Congress and the Senate were somehow foiled in their righteous crusade, that the War would have gone great if only those goddam liberals hadn't kept pointing out inconvenient facts ... coupled with the reappearance of the Usual Suspects, the way the Nixonian ganks somehow resurfaced in this Administration ...
Basically, I'm saying that if we somehow echo the insane choices of the Baby Boomers and somehow thirty years from now base our entire electoral process and governmental identity on refighting a Lost War from our youth, I will -- from my underground bunker in Canada, where the gay-marriage pot-smoking parties are only intensified by real beer -- release the Fusion Powered Nano-Swarm Death Bees I am spending every waking moment between now and then perfecting.
They are legion, and they are pointy.
My only advantage is that this time, the idiots are blogging. I know where the next Generation of Overcompensators will come from.
The Bees will have list.
You think I'm kidding.
33 comments:
The truest post I've seen on this issue is Josh Marshall at TPM saying that we are going to need a truth commission when the war is over.
What is frightening is how many of the people running this debacle are left over from Watergate,etc. and the Iran-Contra/death squad mess.
My serious proposal is a constitutional amendment barring the President from pardoning his political appointees for acts that they carried out in their official capacity.
My non-serious proposal is to find the neo-cons, put them in bags with big rocks and toss them in the Potomac. The only thing keeping me from it is the certainty that their heads should be buried apart from their bodies.
Thanks, John, for the shoutout to our Canuckian "real beer" (Q: How is American beer like sex in a canoe? A: It's fucking close to water).
Should you ever decide that our lax-pot-lawin'-same-sex-marryin' country holds more appeal than your current home & native land, you can crash on my couch 'til you get situated.
I hereby offer myself as an assistant perfector of Fusion Powered Nano-Swarm Death Bees.
Do you have a bet with somebody to see who can write the post most likely to be linked by Warren Ellis?
One word:
Counterprogramming.
You need to start writing the OTHER movie that will come out in 30 years: The scathing docudrama that will star a 50 year old Frankie Muniz as Bush.
* * *
Hey, if you have any bees left over, can you target them at anyone who cited Michael Crichton as an authority on global warming?
There's a great deal of irony in people who listened to Crichton being targetted by nano-swarm death bees.
I'd suggest also targetting anyone who cites Crichton's terrible novel "Prey" as being at all original or authoritative on the subject of nano-swarm death bees.
"You think I'm kidding."
I don't think you're kidding. You need help working out an effective diffusion algorithm, I'm yer man.
But surely it's cyclical. As in, the inevitable I-would-have-gotten-
away-with-it-if-it-weren't-
for-you-lousy-liberals pic will happen, and within a few years, its name (possibly Burnished By Sand: The Keith Idema Story) will be synonymous with misguided testosterone-fueled idiocy. And the children of the generation that spawned it will rent the special edition dvds and marvel at the notion that anyone could ever have taken this shit seriously.
I mean, I know this isn't a best-case scenario: what you (and I) would very much like is for everyone, everywhere, to remember that this whole war has been a sick joke and a disgusting waste of life and an offense to every sensibility that tells us we're living in the civilised world.
But that ain't gonna happen. Surely as someone who Cares About Stuff but also someone who Is Funny, you can admit that, if our kids find the whole thing as ridiculous as we find, well, Rambo... surely that's something?
Aren't we about due for a remake of The Swarm anyway?
"How did you get in here?"
"That's a long story, it starts a year ago. But let's skip that..."
Best. Dialogue. Ever.*
*When you need to feel really good about your own spec work.
Truth commission? That'd be nice. What about a war crimes trial for the serial demolition of anything like the rules of engagement and treatment of prisoners, never mind the blind eye to murder in the US's surrogates' horrorshows [Northern Alliance, Uzbeks, etc] and the utter disregard for civilians in the crossfire...and how about that postwar planning?
I'm with Mary R, too: these pardons are simply signing statements writ large and about as constitutional, if one has any allegiance to due process.
Any odds any of this will happen?
I spent half my life in the US, went to an Ivy League college, etc, etc. I love the place, its people, its possibilities, its gigantic goofiness and equally gigantic spirit. But she be one lost country these days. Can you say mullahs? I know I can say mullahs.
Me, I'm thinking the US peaked around 1957, when the Marshall Plan actually, on balance, had done some good and US industry still counted for something beyond unimaginably large defense spending and bad cars.
I loathe Kissinger, with every fibre of my beer-soaked Canadian body, but he was right. It's all about the management of decline, fellas. By that standard, Bush is the worst chief executive since US Grant. Maybe the worst ever---at least Harding was too busy playing poker with his cronies to start a war.
John Murtha for King.
Brendan
screenwriter
investigative journo
novelist
Promises, promises.
So far, a lot of talk, very few nano bees.
Can't wait for technology. To the ramparts! Break out the pool cues! We're going to bar fight for our freedom!
Frankie Muniz as W...hmm.
Why wait 30 years? I say devote the remaining episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle" to dramatize the life of Young George. The characters in the show actually map fairly well to the Bush family. Bryan Cranston would make an excellent Poppy, and Jane Kaczmarek's as Bar...well, do I have to explain? I know some of you might quibble that Malcolm's supposed to be the smart one, but as any "Gilligan's
Island" aficionado can tell you, head trauma from a falling coconut is a more-than-adequate device to effect the necessary personality shift.
After that, the shit just writes itself.
If there are any "Malcolm" writers lurking, I like oranges, spite, and kiwis in my gift basket.
Just curious, and I mean this in all sincerity, but if Canada has everything you want in a country, why don't you go ahead and move there? I'd really like to know.
ba-doom-ba-dop
i'm a king bee
ba-doom-ba-dop
gonna buzz around all day
i got your soundtrack covered.
Will monkey be invited to your underground bunker? Gay-marriage, pot-smoking parties with real beer sound good to monkey. At least, much better than Fusion Powered Nano-Swarm Death Bees.
Will there be bananas in your bunker? And pretty ladies?
Wilson was still a worse President than Bush, Grant, or Harding. Bush still has almost three years to work on his legacy, though.
I'm not so worried about historical revisionism this time, though. It is much, much easier to look stuff up now than it was in the eighties, when they tried to rehabilitate the Vietnam war as a triumph of American....well, American something or other.
A triumph of the American ability to bomb the crap out of innocent people? (along with the evil commies who caused the war.......)
Preach on, Pinky, preach on!
You're probably right, and that the army of bees will be necessary. How sad.
Because the future members of the Badge-Kisser Contingent will need to tell themselves over and over again that the Big Strong Daddy Figure didn't fuck it up by being careless and trigger-happy, but that the treacherous un-American ingrate liberals made him fail!
Because Big Daddy can never be wrong! He is chosen by God! God, I tell you!
Sigh.
Sadly we won't have to wait that long. The conservatives are already sharpening up the stilettos for a new "Dolchstoss" theory to explain how they lost the war.
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