Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Sweet Four-Color Vengeance

After long hours of thought, this is the only scenario I could come up with which can possibly justify the current attitude towards comics of the DC Editorial Team when one takes both Identity Crisis and the Countdown books into account:

INT. DARK SUBURBAN HOME - MIDNIGHT - MANY YEARS AGO

The DC EDITORIAL TEAM, age 5, awakens from a restless slumber. Strange noises have disturbed him. Thumb in his mouth, he takes his blankie and wanders into the dark second-floor hallway of his home.

REVEAL

DC Ed's FATHER, pantless, bloody, sprawled on the landing . He thrashes, gurgling, a shard of the shattered, smiling FAMILY PORTRAIT jammed into his jugular. He would crawl for help, but he has been beaten with his own severed leg.

DC ED
Aaaaahhhhh!

FATHER
guuuuurrgglllllee!

His arterial spray splashes DC Ed right in the face.

DC ED
AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Father
guuurrgle-bubble-gurgle

The DC Editorial Team rushes downstairs.

INT. DINING ROOM

DC Ed enters to discover

HIS MOM

dressed as a French Maid, but wearing full clown make-up, having rough sex on the dining room table with

SILVER AGE COMICS,

who is in leather chaps and a Madonna bustier, both of them drunk and laughing maniacally.

DC ED'S MOM
Say it again!

SILVER AGE COMICS
There's no Santa Claus!

DC ED
AAGAGHHAHAGGGAGAAHHHHHHAAAGGGGGGAAAHHHH!

... later, sitting on the curb, a blanket wrapped around him by a kindly paramedic, the DC Editorial Team watches his house and his entire family destroyed in the inferno ignited when Silver Age Comics set his beloved Golden Retriever, Barky, on fire.

...

Given that, I understand what's going on.

Short of that -- you got me.

26 comments:

Ian said...

Goddamnit, some of us can't afford comics - context, please. I'm broadly familiar with IC, but Countdawn? Wha?

david golbitz said...

That's some funny shit, John. Makes sense to me, the way things are heading.

All these huge company crossover stories, they're getting old, like they did ten years ago. They're gonna drive me away again, even more towards the sweet, sweet embrace of independent comics. IDW, Oni Press, Top Shelf...ah, salvation.

As for what Countdown to Infinite Crisis is, it's an 80 page comic from DC designed to kick off this year's "epic" storylines that will "change the DCU forever."

Whee.

Justin Cognito said...

Ian: from what I've heard (and I've heard it in a lot of places by now), they killed the Blue Beetle after treating him like a turd for 80 pages.

Anonymous said...

John: I think you've provided a valuable service with this post. At any time in the future, if one of us long-time comic readers seems completely lost as to why the books are mired in rape, death and moral greyness (i.e. "realism"), all a friend will have to say is:

"Barky was on fire."

And then...it will all become clear again. Because you're right, that's the only explanation that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Interesting theory, only... shouldn't Silver Age be raping mom?

Unknown said...

No, mom being complicit makes it worse.

Jason Sanders said...

Hey, I still say that they should have a popeye and superman crossover...

"Who is stronger?" This question would finally be answered...

Pei said...

awesome.
I just saw the new IC 80page comic for a dollar too.

Ian said...

They killed Blue Beetle?

Okay, that's just not fucking fair. John's explanation is making more and more sense.

Benari said...

Maybe DC just has a vendetta against the Giffen and JM DeMatteis run on Justice League. Otherwise, yeah, that would explain it.

I think it's all just a cover for the major ressurection over in Batman...

david golbitz said...

There's an article at newsarama.com about that big Batman ressurection, and it was mentioned that this character in question is going to be playing a pretty big role in all this Crisis stuff.

Unknown said...

I just thought it was because they had an extreme sense of self loathing. And they want to "hook" people into buying books. And they want to make money. And they could give a shit less about what has been said in the past or done in the past.

Damn the two majors need a swift kick in the ass.

Unknown said...

I just thought it was because they had an extreme sense of self loathing. And they want to "hook" people into buying books. And they want to make money. And they could give a shit less about what has been said in the past or done in the past.

Damn the two majors need a swift kick in the ass.

Anonymous said...

Okay... everyone relax. Here...

Panel one: Past startled JLA to BLUE BEETLE stepping from a teleportation tube.

BLUE BEETLE: Hey, guys. I miss anything?

It's that simple. That's why they're comicbooks.

Anonymous said...

Okay... wrong button. That last comment was me.

Anonymous said...

My scenario is this:

RANDOM JLAER: Beetle? Aren't you dead?

BEETLE: Oh yeah, that was a clone.

RANDOM JLAER: And Max, aren't you evil?

MAX: That was another clone.

RANDOM JLAER: But...

BEETLE: (Pointedly)Clones!

Anonymous said...

My scenario is this:

RANDOM JLAER: Beetle? Aren't you dead?

BEETLE: Oh yeah, that was a clone.

RANDOM JLAER: And Max, aren't you evil?

MAX: That was another clone.

RANDOM JLAER: But...

BEETLE: (Pointedly)Clones!

Jim said...

Johnny Cochran is dead. Chewbacca is a wookie. It doesn't make sense!

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