Sunday, October 08, 2006

Lunch Conversations #450: "I know How to Treat a PetroPower, Baby."

John: It's just fifty dollars.
Tyrone: You'll lose the bet. We are not bombing Iran before January. Two reasons: first, a Democratic congress will make it harder --
John: But hardly impossible.
Tyrone: -- and two, it's absolutely insane. And these people are not insane.
John: Of course they're not insane. But they have a very weird view of how the world works which is completely reasonable to them. And what they want -- hell what I want -- is a pro-West Iran.
Tyrone: ... which they'll get by bombing Iran?
John: Precisely. Look at what happened in Lebanon. The Israelis bombed about a million people out of their homes, and in return, the population completely turned against Hizballah and swung seriously pro-Israeli!
Tyrone: ...
John: Nasrallah and his thugs can't even show their face in the Arab world! And look how well the strategy is working in Iraq. We level cities like Fallujah to get the insurgents, and the result is, as Dick Cheney has told us, the insurgency has been in its "last throes" for, like, three years! They've never not been about to lose!
Tyrone: Yes. I see your point.
John: We bomb Iran, and they won't all line up behind the nationalist radical clerics who stand as a symbol against Western oppression. Instead they will realize we bombed them for their own good, they've learned their lesson, and will revolt against the leaders who have led them astray!
Tyrone: Exactly as has occurred every other time an Islamic nation is attacked.
John: Precisely. We don't want to bomb them, but we have to. For their own good. If they could just see that --
Tyrone: (slapping his left hand with his right) "Look what you made me do! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"
John: "I don't want to hit you, baby. But you make me all crazy sometimes."
Tyrone: A foreign policy based on domestic abuse. But Iran has allies. That's not going to work.
John: China's going to slide up. "MMmm-mm. He hitting you? That's fucked up. I'm just saying. "
Tyrone: "I don't know why he won't let you have things. Come over to my place. You want to have nuclear power, makes you feel pretty, I gots no problem with that."
John: (girl voice) "What about nuke weapons?"
Tyrone: "He lets that bitch Pakistan have nukes, and she rolls with Osama."
John: (girl voice) "Yeah!"
Tyrone: "Now bring your sweet oil over here for Daddy China."
John: Fundamental misunderstanding of human nature --
Tyrone: Nice girl voice, by the way.
John: Thank you.
Waitress: I thought so too.
Tyrone: ...
John: ...
Tyrone: How long have you been standing --
Waitress: Here's your coffee.

46 comments:

Dweeze said...

Very nice. And now I know where to go for answering machine information!

Unknown said...

man, comment spam. been a wqhile since that happened.

Shan said...

John, you are a visionary!

Anonymous said...

T-Shirts. I'm Getting T-Shirts Made...

John Rogers Speaks For Me.


in a girl voice. a really good girl voice.

Anonymous said...

The best part about these conversations is that I have total faith that they happen exactly the way you describe.

Unknown said...

I like the t-shirt.

Of course, a John Rogers doll that does the girl voice would be fun and creepy for work.

Tom Hilton said...

Laugh. Cry.

The only thing I find encouraging is that a lot of people who know more about this sort of thing than I do are saying that logistically, it can't happen for at least a year. I hope to god they're right.

Geoff Thorne said...

Tyrone better be a real guy or you need some serious counselling.

Anonymous said...

Bush Dismisses Media Claims of Iran Military Strike as “Wildly Accurate Speculation”

At a recent press conference President Bush dismissed reporters’ assumptions that the U.S. was planning a military strike against Iran as “wildly accurate speculation.”

Added Bush, “You guys are good.”

The President went on to criticize the media for acting irresponsibly.

“The fourth estate should report on facts, not educated guesses that just so happen to be true,” explained Bush, who then went on to request the aid of the those he dubbed “projectionists” to aid in the planning of future military strategies.

“We can’t bring on too many new generals,” explained Bush, who then unveiled a five gallon bottle full of M&Ms. “That’s why I’m going to have everyone guess how many M&Ms are in this jug. Whoever has the closest guess will get to plan the invasion of a sovereign nation.”

Bush then began to eat M&Ms out of the jug before being stopped by Press Secretary Tony Snow, who led him slowly off stage.

- From The MQ

Anonymous said...

I just want to assure redjack and everyone else that Tyrone is, indeed, a real person. Also, it is strange that everytime we have a meal with Tyrone in a public place we end up in a conversation that probably gets reported to the authorities in an anonymous phone call.

Apropos of nothing, Tyrone is also wickedly smart, charming, handsome and available. Sigh...

Maya's Granny said...

When Dubya first named the "Axis of Evil" I knew he intended to attack all three of them. He will if he can.

Cameltrooper said...

Please start podcasting these.

Anonymous said...

caseyko74 said

"Of course, a John Rogers doll that does the girl voice would be fun and creepy for work."

I want one of those dolls.

And a T-shirt, if it's got a picture of John and Tyrone

Anonymous said...

"A foreign policy based on domestic abuse" is an awesome line.

Geoff Thorne said...

If Mrs. Kung Fu Monkey isn't an actual person you need a team of therapists to deprogram you right now.

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