Monday, March 28, 2005

TGC #436: I Love Lucy -- Issue Zero!

John: ... I think their friendship makes sense. It's not like it's Ricky Ricardo and Fred Mertz hanging out together.
Tyrone: Did they ever explain that, by the way?
John: No, although I understood why Ethel and Lucy spent so much time together. Ethel always had an agenda. If you look at the episodes, although it seems Lucy is the prime motivator of most plots, you can see Ethel planting the idea in her head, Iago-like.
Tyrone: Ethel, let us also note, was often genuinely funny. Acerbically so --
John: Yeah, that wit didn't match her current surroundings. It seemed to me Ethel probably had a really interesting backstory we never saw.
Tyrone: Such as?
John: I don't know ... Ethel was a stripper working a mercenary bar in Central America, maybe an opium den/whorehouse in the Phillipines. Marrying Fred was her ticket out and to respectability. Hence her street smarts and sass.
Tyrone: (beat) Are you pitching the "Ethel Mertz Working a Donkey Show in Tijuana" backstory?
John: It fits. It also, naturally, leads to some sexual experimentation on Lucy's part --
Tyrone: Stop talking now.
John: AGAIN explaining just why this attractive, confused younger woman was spending all day every day with a more confident older woman --
Tyrone: But, my friend, that still doesn't explain the Ricky/Fred thing.
John: Hmm. Well, that backstory's even cooler, since Ricky did flee Cuba. Maybe Fred was Merchant Marine --
Tyrone: No, CIA. Fred was CIA in Cuba, pre-Castro.
John: I think it would have still been OSS, but nice. Fred gets Ricky out of Cuba when Ricky was a child, forming a Batman-and-Robin like bond between them.
Tyrone: Does Ethel know?
John: Good question. But it would be really cool if the only person who didn't know about all this was Lucy.
Tyrone: You know where this inevitably leads.
John: No.
Tyrone: "I Love Lucy" fanfic.
John: Sweet Jesus no.

( ... four hours later ...)*

Tyrone: Hey, sorry to bother you, but I had a question on that script.
John: No problem.
Tyrone: (beat) You were writing the "I Love Lucy" fan fiction, weren't you?
John: I just got to the part where Fred hit Batista in the face with a pipe wrench, grabbed the ten year old boy and swam out to the waiting Navy Destroyer!
Tyrone: "From now on, I call you ... Ricky."
John: Sweet. I'm using that.
Tyrone: Please. Get help.

*God as my witness, absolutely true.


Unknown said...

We need to get you some more hobbies John.

Anonymous said...

And you're not still working on Transformers... WHY??


Anonymous said...

Fanfic? You sure you're not doing script work on the feature film version, due in cinemas 2007? John Woo's directing, if I recall...

Anonymous said...

It's disturbing how many of my on-line conversations my with fannish friends read like this. Only we end up constructing elaborate scenarios wherein the Legion of Superheroes has to crash in the Cohen's poolhouse in Newport, or Nighthawk from Supreme Power ends up with pre-Crisis Jason Todd as a sidekick.

So, you know, it must be comforting for you, to know that there are bigger weirdos out there.

Oerwinde said...

Get this filmed, and get necromancers, the only way to truly do it justice is to use the reanimated corpses of the original cast.

Andy said...

Fanfic or fanfact?

Sure, you make jest of the whole Fred Murtz/CIA/Cuba connection...but keep in mind that "I Love Lucy" was produced by an Oppenheimer, who also just happened to be head writer of the series for five of its six seasons, penning the pilot and 153 episodes, including the now infamous unproduced "Communist Sympathizers Are Our Friends."

Coincidence? I don't think so. After all, wasn't Lucy best known for her "red" hair?

Think about it.

Litcritter said...

The only way to go is play it straight, with no last names until the very end of the flick, so that it doesn't dawn on the viewer until an hour later what they've just seen. Sort of like suddenly realizing that "The Faculty" is "The Breakfast Club" with mind-controlling aliens, or that "Strange Brew" is Hamlet.

Priscilla said...

This is BRILLIANT. Comic, movie, sock puppet show... I would see this in a heartbeat. XD

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