Monday, December 06, 2010

Quality Hate Mail

Seriously, people, if you're going to do hate mail for a show, this is the GOLD STANDARD. It appeared last summer in the Portland free weekly, the Portland Mercury. I am thisclose to making an offer of a writing staff gig to whoever wrote this:
Jesus Christ, Leverage! How many fucking parking spots does your crew need to take out of downtown lots to film your piece of shit sorry excuse for a third-rate cable network void of a fucking show? I rarely drive to work, but when I do I expect at least one spot to be open in a two-mile radius of Old Town. What the fuck is your problem? Does each person on staff drive five cars to work? If you're going to take our lots, pay for our street parking and the tickets we're bound to get when we forget to feed the meter every 90 minutes. Or maybe you could do what the rest of us do and take the first spot available. And fuck you to the lot owners that exiled local business employees to street parking. Closing off a good 20 spots to make room for a catering area for these fuck necks? Are you fucking serious? I've only met one person who actually watches Leverage and he's a fucking idiot.—Anonymous
I love you. Seriously. You'l be happy to know that the producers of the show are now addressing each other as "Fuckneck" in all internal correspondences.


alikat7 said...

Someone needs some anger management classes. lol

Michael Clear said...

I hate you too. Can I have a spot on your writing staff?

superglrl said...

Translation: I wish my boss reserved parking lots in downtown and catered meals for me, the cast and crew of this popular show Leverage must have incredible support from their cable channel to enable them to accomplish all they do here in Portland. ;)

amancham said...

Oh. Okay. That's what one has to do to get a spot in your writing staff? Had I known, I'd written something like that ...
I think it's hilarious. Thanks for sharing ;)

Rusty said...

LMAO - I think supergirl hit the nail on the head.

But - if it'll get me a spot on your writing staff, I hate you too. And I can combine the word 'fuck' with many different body parts if required.......

CandyMaize said...

So John, does this mean Season 4 of Leverage will have an episode titled "The Parking Job?"

Tania said...

You should make a character in one of your episodes based on this guy. He's mad as hell about having no parking and he's not gonna take it anymore. Haha.

Depoetic said...

If they'd had the cojones to sign their name - I'd say hire 'em, as it stands - I see a new crew T-shirt in the making...

schpydurx said...

Please allow me to be the first commenter to address you as "fuckneck."

Pioneers take the arrows and all that rot. ;)

Anonymous said...

...but not got the courage to use their name.

schpydurx said...

@CandyMaize: Now THAT's a fucking fantastic idea!

Michelle said...

Dear Anonymous, please let us know who you are, Elliot has an "appropriate response" with your name on it.

Michael Bourgon said...

Funny, but at the same time sucks that nothing will change. Or will it? Any way to address the actual concerns?

LarryFleming said...

This one is so far out, it has to have a reverse effect.... Maybe let him park close by when you blow something up....

neith said...

anonymous??? very brave. Anyway, this guy has a big problem of personality. Take a deep breath, dude

LarryFleming said...

PS I presume they still address you as "Mr. Fuckneck"

kskryptonian said...

Oh Bravo. I plan to use Fuckneck in all my writing endeavors from now on.

See, I just did!

Adam C said...

I absolutely agree with this letter. I used to live in the Fells Point neighborhood of Baltimore, about a block from the location where they filmed Homicide.

I was working warehousing at night and got home about 8AM. So I never could get a parking space anywhere close to my house, as the cast and crew started showing up far earlier. I usually had to park about two miles from my house up by Patterson Park.

I was never so happy to see a show go off the air so that I could actually find a place to park and not need to hike to and from my car.

Homicide: Life without parking.

xjill said...

They should be jumping for joy over how much your show is pumping into the local economy. There is a reason we Angelenos are distressed with runaway production.

It's the depression "anonymous" - you should be baking those fucknecks cookies for disturbing your routine.

Anonymous said...

If they had used "SERIOUSLY?" instead of "are you fucking serious" they would already be on the writing staff.......

Sihaya said...

Okay, I love your show, and that is still totally awesome. I cannot quite put my finger on it - maybe it's because the letter reads more like a typical troll response to a political news article or sports writeup. This man's personal debasement actually elevates the topical relevance of "Leverage."

IMForeman said...

Now there is a man (let's face it, it's a man) who is passionate about his parking. He wants to park, he needs to park, and goddamn it, Hardison, he is gonna damned park... but ill betide those who keep him from his Precious parking.

What Sir Parksalot doesn't seem to account for in his raging parkness is the logical inconsistency he puts up. He doesn't drive to work often, he says. Yet, on the rare occasion he does, he simply expects a parking space. So, apparently to Mr. Park Parkington III, the rest of the world must simply be out of his way on the days he oddly changes his normal routine.

Granted, you may not be able to guess that a major TV production about thieves would be stealing his Holy Space of Parking, but he should be able to drum up the concept that maybe people not TV involved will be out that day, and have need of parking. And maybe, just maybe, they park more regularly and can make a claim of Parking Provenance that he cannot.

Of course, if he's this steamed, Leverage has probably grifted his ease of Park from him before, so maybe he should guess that it's possible this will be happening. Either way, Mr. Parks and Recreation, you should maybe just adjust your day to the possibility that your day may not contain the entire world bending to what you want.

And who knows, maybe in parking away from where you wanted, you park in front of a bakery you never knew was there... and you stop in to find the wonderful smell, and find that it's the best apple pie you have ever tasted, and that the owner is a beautiful woman who you will fall madly in love with. And then you get married, have kids, and all join in the family activity of writing letters to the Portland Mercury about how you expect it to be sunny on the rare days you go for walks.

Signed Michael J Fuckneck, Esq.

Melissa said...

Sadly, I agree with the concerns within the letter. People who work at local businesses HAVE to have a place to park. Sure,you can make them park far away, and they still have to walk to work, but you know who doesn't? Customers. Leverage may be putting money in the local economy in some ways, but when you keep customers from patroning stores, those stores suffer.

Speaking as a consumer, I don't shop where it's difficult for me to do so. If you're taking up parking, I go somewhere else -- and I may decide I like that somewhere else better and never come back.

If the show that's filming pisses me off, I may also choose not to support it, even if I enjoy the show. I don't reinforce unwanted behavior.

Maybe Leverage should take as little space as possible at the urban shooting locations and shuttle people to an offsite location for trailers, craft services, etc.

Katie said...

Screw that anonymous guy, you should hire IMForeman for your writing team. Come on, the other guy came up with fuckneck, a great insult if ever I've heard one. However, IMForeman came up with naming him Mr. Park Parkington III, brilliant!

Courtney said...

That? Right there? Has got to be the most awesome complaint letter I've ever seen. Somebody needs to send that to!

Oh, and I'm with @Michelle...Eliot has an "appropriate response" with Anonymous's name all over it.

Tucker said...

And thus was born the nom de fanage of 'Leverage', the Fucknecks. Hey, there are Trekkies, Gleeks and Browncoats, so why not?

IMForeman said...

Well, Katie, as it just so happens, I have this spec script for Leverage: The Comic-Con Job" sitting right here and...

;) Kidding. But if you give me an hour to scratch out the names on "Shawn vrs the Red Phantom" I'm sure I could make something passable, and quite likely completely actionable.

Anonymous said...

He's obviously never had any of the fantasic meals prepared by Frenchy's Catering or he'd be riding his bike to work then slipping in to eat with the crew.

Anonymous said...

Tucker said...
And thus was born the nom de fanage of 'Leverage', the Fucknecks. Hey, there are Trekkies, Gleeks and Browncoats, so why not?

It sure beats 'grifters' ...

IMForeman said...

If we want a fandom identity that nobody gets, we could go with an obscure joke on the physical concept of Leverage and call ourselves "The Fulcrums."

ldlewild said...

Brilliant letter. Suppose the author would mind if I co-opt "fuckneck"? Use it my letter to FX Network regarding the Terriers cancellation? :-D

Anonymous said...

That made my day!

theragingcelt said...

You know, I have lived on this earth for forty five years. And between my Irish heritage, various anger issues and life long fondness for the works of David Mamet, I thought I had heard and/or uttered every variant of the word "Fuck" and it's various uses.
But this fellow in Portland has clearly broken new ground.
I strongly believe that Stan Lee may start using it instead of "Excelsior".
It deserves regular rotation on "South Park".
I myself may use it in future blog posts. Although, given the sheer level of pain coming from Washington over the next two years, I must be careful not to lean to heavily on it. It must be used sparingly, like Cayenne Pepper.

Sass said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sass said...

Whoa. If I was going to write back to the A-hole, I'd say this:

Mr. Park Parkington, III, it's reality-check time! First, if you have a gripe, you will get farther if you can suggest a SOLUTION to the problem instead of just complaining. You big fucking whinebaby.

Second, unless your company has a ramp or lot specified for its employees, you have ZERO "right" to expect easy parking in a city.

I work for a large company (>30k employees) in the heart of our downtown. There are designated employee ramps and lots. However, if you haven't worked there for about 15+ years, you have to park at a remote lot (5-10 miles out) and take a shuttle downtown. Or take public transit entirely. But even the employees who have access to the lots and ramps have to walk a minimum of 2 blocks. Myself, I have had to walk 8 blocks from the ramp to my building. It's *just the way it is* in a city.

There have been problems with our employees (or those of other downtown businesses) parking in public spots and lining the nearby residential streets. The neighborhoods affected petitioned and got "permit parking" assigned to their streets--and their permits are free with proof of residence. There are also signs posted for "No parking from 6AM-8AM" or other times that make it easier for customers to get parking during the day.

Perhaps the City of Portland needs to take some steps to ensure local employees and patrons can access the businesses more easily. Although, having been to Portland a couple times, I can say I am amazed at the availability and quality of public transit already available. Truly amazing--you don't know how lucky you are, Sir Parksalot.

And, you know, it is entirely possible that the city's general population has simply overgrown its own parking availability and that Leverage has little to do with the shortage.

Just for argument's sake, let's say it IS all Leverage's fault. Perhaps Portland and/or Leverage could arrange a Park-n-Ride shuttle situation to free up some downtown parking.

Or maybe Mr. Park Patrol should just shut the fuck up.


P.S. Thanks, IMForeman, for the awesome tags for the douchebag! (Mr. Park Parkington, III, etc.!)

kymmie said...

I really needed to laugh, thank you!

Daisy Bookworm said...

Season 4 "The Disgruntled No-I'm-Not-A-Fan-I-Don't-Even-Like-That-Show Job" tehe. Thanks for sharing. It made me giggle because ... well ... you know.

And how can you know that you hate a show that you apparently haven't seen before? Interesting and odd. I mean, seriously? You at least have to give it to "The Rashamon Job" before saying you HATE it. Hate is a strong word, after all.

Solution to his problem: leave for work earlier. Camp out. Don't move your car. Take the bus. I'm all for public transportation. Can Leverage do a show on that? There has to be a conspiracy about the buses somewhere.

scooter5203249 said...

Oh, yes. It's Monday. And I really needed the laugh. Thank you. And I like Candy Maize's idea for "The Parking Job." You could bring back Bill Engvall. You could blow up Lucille 3, 4, 5 and 6. You could use that gun thingy of Hardison's that shuts down the automotive electrical systems. Endless possibilities.

Ricko said...

I didn't thoroughly read all the comments, so someone may have mentioned this, but for the record: the Mercury (where this is from) has a weekly feature titled "I, Anonymous". If that's where this appeared, he kind of had to sign it "Anonymous".

Now, onto important business: maybe we can have some kind of sports competition, fuck necks vs browncoats?

Anna said...

Well, whoever read that has obviously never tried to drive into manhattan on a regular basis.

T.J. said...

It is decided! I dub thee Leverage fans "The Fuck Necks!" Or the Effin N's (Effin' Ins?) for the family viewers. Seriously? A much better fan group name than most of the shows that I'm a fan of. Yes, I ended with a preposition. I shall fix that! A much better name than most of the shows that I'm a fan of, Fuck Necks.

Stefan Jones said...

If you can't find the guy, you could pay tribute to him by creating a character based on him. He could repeatedly bitch at our heroes because they parked their van in "his" spot.

Then Elliot could punch his lights out.

'pentesse': Sounds like a shampoo, huh?

reverendkilljoy said...

No one comments on the obvious conspiracy- the girl's name is Parker, fer Chrissakes! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, get with the program, fuckneck.

Or take a bus.

This ep. should, by rights, be called "The Nut Job."

Seth said...

Far and away the most beautiful thing about the fuckneck neologism is the opacity of the statement.

Consider this koan: Is the fuckneck that which fucks, or that which is fucked? Because frankly, I can't think of a lot of positions that would allow it to function in EITHER capacity...and I'm a man who has studied the classics of the East.

Brian T. said...

Parker's experience as a getaway driver and car thief could come in handy here. I'm certain she has strong feelings about convenient parking near banks.

If I knew it would get me a job working on my favorite show, I'd call you just about anything.

I mean... what kind of fucktonsil craps all over Old Town like that? Who do you think you are? Matt Nix? You fuckpancreas, with your fancy pants craft service table and better health insurance than me. Fucklower intestine. Fuckventricle. Fuckarmpit. Fucklung. I'll bet the Hawaii 5-0 showrunners show more respect to local businesses when they shoot on location, you fucklobe.

jezebelcsz said...

Hey Fucknecks... I'd just like to say thanks to all the work you've brought to Portland. I've got a lot of friends who have worked as extras and in various production aspects of Leverage. I'm happy to give up my parking spot and take Portland's award-winning public transportation so you keep filming here.

ChelseaNH said...

I like it -- comprehensive and vitriolic, yet relatively compact.

BTW, in college I covered the town planning board meetings as a radio newsie and if you want to control a town, that's the job you go for. I was lucky enough to sit through several sessions devoted to a planned new restaurant, and the constant topic of discussion was parking spaces.

Anonymous said...

From Baby Bones

Check out the paintings on display at Kostas Seremetis's website. You'll see a very helpful message from a mouse that shall not be named. Read aloud in very high squeaky voice.

RikkiSixx said...

no matter how many times i read it, its still funny. fuckneck. lmfao!

Red said...

If Portland doesn't work out, you could always come to Georgia!

We'd love to have you. I've driven past filming in Decatur and downtown Atlanta where I live. At one point there was night time filming in Centennial Olympic Park that shone into my condo all night, but believe me we would welcome the economic boost.

T.J. said...

Or North Carolina, there is plenty filming already going on in Wilmington and between the mountain area, the Piedmont area, and the beach, we definitely have you covered!

Dawn/StL-MO said...

Have you ever noticed that the majority of really nasty notes are written anonymously?

They MUST be afraid of you, John!


P.S. Actually thought about NOT signing my name so this note would post as "anonymous".

IMForeman said...

You know, that Nymous guy really gets around. Always with the nasty comments, or the pithy slogans.

And what kind of a name is Ano? His parents must be hippies.

ExclusiveCanvasArt said...

Oh you sneaky cheeky bastard, this must be a teaser for Season 4's opener of 'The Parking Job'

Quote-able Quotes:
...Lets go steal us a parking spot...

Anyone who considers themselves so far above the rest of humanity as deserving of a public parking spot in the middle of a thriving downtown metropolis must require his car for a fast getaway, and since he requires a fast getaway he must have been the one who... EDITED DUE TO BEING A SEASON SPOILER ALERT...and in the end Parker and Hardison get just a nudge closer when Hardison accepts that Parker does in fact have an emotion bottled up, but just needs the right 'parking' job to tweak it out.

P.S. Parker has one of the best well-rounded characters fleshed out by twitches, eye-rolls, pouts, and innocence, and she portrays it exceedingly well ;-)

JustSu said...

Am I the only one who was amused by the irony of anonymous pointing a proverbial finger at...anonymous? Pot...kettle...? Anyone?

Jerico said...

I totally agree with the guy, and most of the idiots assumes, that person need an anger management just because he gave negative comment, about a fucked up show that I do not even know it. And he is right about catering stuff. And yes, you are total fucked up media.

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