It'd be easy to just believe it's all a massive flameout. But as you know, I've accumulated some interesting friends out here in the blogosphere, some Army Intelligence guys, some counter-insurgency consultants and when I was sent this ... it just makes a lot more sense.
NSA INTERVIEW ROOM #[REDACTED]
PRESENT: AGENT [REDACTED], ASSET CODENAME/TOXIC
Interview already in progress, see Transcript #194BSZ
Toxic: So what am I looking at here?
Agent: Osama Bin Laden's cave headquarters near Tora Bora. Footage was shot by a Marine Recon Team. Would you like some soda or coffee?
Toxic: Just water please. Hmm, that's Qutb's book on that table.
Agent: ... you can read ...
Toxic: No, I recognized his picture on the back cover. (LAUGHS) Had you goin' there for a while, huh?
Agent: Indeed. Well, as you can see as we enter Osama's personal chambers ...
(PAUSE / 10 SECONDS)
Toxic: Oh my.
Toxic: I mean, a lot of people have "... Baby One More Time", but --
Agent: On that shelf next to the poster for the Onyx Hotel Tour, those are bootleg tapes. Of your Mickey Mouse Club appearances.
Toxic: That's just gross, y'all.
Agent: Our official judgment as well.
Toxic: Wow, he's even got "And Then We Kiss".
Agent: Based on this evidence, our profilers believe you have the best chance of getting close to Osama Bin Laden. He is utterly obsessed with you.
(PAUSE / 8 SECONDS)
Agent: Miss [redacted]?
Toxic: Anything for my country
Agent: We're not going to lie to you. You're America's pop princess. There's no way he's going to believe you just decided to "hook" up with him. No way he's got a chance with you at the height of your fame and power. We need --
Toxic: -- to ruin me.
Agent: A downward spiral. Very public, very messy. This is deep cover, Miss [redacted]. Not everybody comes back.
Toxic: What's the timetable?
Agent: To make it convincing? Years. At least. Sham marriage. Alcohol and drug abuse, multiple psychological problems. We need to go completely over the top, too, to make it convincing. And then ...
Toxic: Then what?
Agent: You contact any one of these paparazzi we've had under surveillance. They're all of Middle Eastern or Muslim descent. Begin a relationship. Our profilers feel that at that point, Bin Laden will figure he has a chance, and will make the call.
Toxic: What do I do when that happens?
Agent: You'll receive weapons training.
Toxic: I understand.
Toxic: Hey, if Lindsay Lohan can do it for whatever mission she's on, I can tough it out.
Agent: I'm sorry. Who?
You believe your tawdry world. I'll believe mine. Mine is far, far more romantic. I believe in heroes, mister. I. Believe. In HEROES.