I Wish Friends Had Ended with a Car Crash

Ken Levine reminded me in an e-mail, as I muttered darkly, how The Sopranos ending could have gone. Reposted in its entirety from his blog:

The finale would be at least two hours.

There would be a one hour clip show hosted by Bob Costas preceding it.

There would be live coverage of the cast party on the network’s local 11:00 news. It would be the lead story even if Hurricane Katrina hit that day.

There would be a little animated promo swooshing across the bottom of the screen after every commercial break of every other prime time show on that network for two weeks. A little gun would shoot a little mobster. The blood would spell out SOPRANOS.

Also, on the bottom of the screen there would be a little countdown clock for a month leading up to the finale.

The cast would be on that network’s late night talk show. If the network didn’t have a late night talk show they would create one just for this purpose.

An online contest would offer prizes if you guessed who would be whacked and when. That way you could watch the final episode and play along at home.

They would spin off Janice. Coming in September: WIDOW WITH CHILDREN.

They would insist that Tony’s mother return despite the fact that the actress who played her has died.

They would NEVER EVER EVER allow an ambiguous ending.

They would want the following changes in the last scene. Meadow should drive a Ford because that’s who is sponsoring. She should have no trouble parallel parking because Fords are easy to parallel park. The restaurant must be TGI Fridays – also a sponsor and much more colorful. The threat should come from a singing waiter wearing a straw hat, suspenders, and hundreds of fun buttons. A secondary threat should be an Arab terrorist with a scar. The Arab should pull his gun. The waiter should point his banjo (which is also a semi-automatic rifle). It looks like Tony, Carmela, and A.J. are done for it. Final commercial break. We come back just as Meadow bursts in the door with an Uzi and blows the bad guys away. Meadow, it seems, has just come from dance class and is wearing nothing but a hot leotards. Tony says, “That’s what I get for going to Fridays on Tuesday.” The family shares a laugh. Meadow sits down. Everyone hugs and declares their love for each other. Carmelo calls out, “Can we get ANOTHER waiter?” They laugh. One more hug. Long fade out, as music swells – Dino’s “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head”. Fade out. Your local news is next.

So if you’re still pissed at David Chase for the way he really ended the series just think of the alternative.

I am, however, in the minority for finding John from Cincinnati interesting. Is Milch about to do Carnivale? Damn.