Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Lunch Conversations #115: Better than Milk and Cookies

John: These sweet potato fries are amazing. Anyway, saw a thing on the shortage of Arabic speakers in the FBI and Army today, coupled with an interview on CNN about not letting gays in the military --
Mark: I saw that.
John: Somebody wants to take a bullet for me, I don't know exactly where I get off judging them. In my book that earns a goddam thank you and a big cup of "shut the fuck up" for the pudgy white asshole who doesn't bother to enlist for a war he's jerking off to. Gay in America, you can't serve your country. You can in Israel -- noted military wimps -- Canada, Poland, Germany, Ireland, Australia, the United Kingdom, for chrissake, and look how they've fallen apart. We don't rely on them in Iraq at all. But no, we don't need the gays. Instead let's drop recruiting reqs and go after people borderline retarded --
Mark: Admit "I believe in Santa Clause", and you get in.
John: But "Hey, sometimes I blow guys", no.
Mark: So the trick is, when they ask, say "I want to blow Santa Claus."
John: ...
John: ... that'd stump me, anyway. I'd want to move on to the next recruit. Quickly.
Mark: There you go.





(EDIT: Oh, and competent people, either. We don't need gays or competent people. Glad we settled that.)

64 comments:

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

It's just so pathetic, I can't think of anything witty to say. At least your conversation was amusing.

wcdixon said...

Too funny...sad, but funny.

Maya's Granny said...

Love it. Can't have gay people putting their lives on the line for us or translating Arabic and foiling terrorist plots for us.

We're like the people in the middle ages who threw cats off church towers because they were the creatures of Satan and then died of bubonic plague because there weren't enough cats left to kill the rats that carried the fleas that carried the plague.

Dweeze said...

Does blowing Santa get you a better gift? Not that I want to know, of course. A friend is wondering.

Anonymous said...

And you haven't cleaned that up any. Oh NOOOOO. You tape recorded that motherfucker. No. You have an eye-DECK-tick fucking memory like Doc fucking Savage. You typed that bastard out word for word, syllable for syllable. Neither of you stammered. Neither of you said 'uh' or burped or farted. You and your friends are all JUST THAT FUCKING ARTICULATE.

Christ. Christ. Christ. The shit you see on Sunday when you don't wear a hat.

Unknown said...

I forgot, it says "sworn testimony" on the top of the blog. I understand your rage at being misled.

All told, though, that one was pretty close. It was only a short one, so not hard to remember, and I had just done the research for another article that morning. AND, to be totally truthful, Mark's original phrasing was a hell of a lot dirtier. But people have us on an rss feed, so I adjust out of courtesy.

Miraculously, we did manage to get through five whole sentences, eating in a public place, without burping or farting. If you can't, I'd see someone about your gastrointestinal tract. Seriously.

Usually with the Tyrone ones I'll scribble a note when he says something funny so I get it right. To be fair, in the last one, the waitress gave us more of a weird look and a "huh." Other than that, pretty dead on (including my alluring girl voice).

This is why, usually, the other guy gets the punchline -- because they're funnier.

Aural recall is a pretty common trait among stand-ups; a condition of the work. You structure memory around funny comments. When it comes to just recalling what I read I'm no great shakes. But conversations, particularly when a bit came out of them -- yeah. I don't have an eidetic memory, but much like Doc Savage I do have five loyal friends with dfferent "skills" one named "Long Tom", but for a different reason. I also favor lobotomies (something everybody forgets from the stories...)

We are indeed that fucking articulate. We're professional writers. It's our job. Comics who say "uhhhhh" don't last long.

To avoid further enraging you, I will admit that the interview with God was not, actually, with God. And there is an excellent chance that your monkey's kung fu is not only "not strong", but that there is no monkey, nor any kung fu.

Failry warned, please enjoy the rest of the site. My manservant will take your bag of crazy for you while you peruse the selections.

Anonymous said...

Well John, now we get to see what you meant when you said that hecklers should be squashed like a bug. (Well, I'm not sure you said exactly that because I don't have an eidetic memory either. And I'm too lazy to go searching through your blog to find out what you said exactly.)

I think some people are starting to feel a bit pressured, don't you?

Unknown said...

I'm not in the squashing anymore. Always with the negative waves, Moriarty.

I just want to calm down a very confused person with a screen name based on an anal pun. There's a lot going on there.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I was trying to be funny. In fact, I really thought the whole tone of the post was so frickin road you'd understand implicitely that it was meant to be parody. I don't know why I thought that. Something to do with you being a professional comedy writer, or some such shit. My bad.

I have observed that some people get so used to having their entire ass, however large or small said buttocular region may be, smooched and slurrrrrrped constantly in their comment threads that when anything else at all comes along, suddenly its all murderous frenzy and an army of unwitting OMACS launched against humanity and "only WE are allowed to make ze jokes around HERE, motherfucker".

Not that there's anyone around here like that or anything. I'm just saying. Some people are like that. I've heard.

Anyway. My 2 cents. For what little it's worth. Not being a professional comedian and therefore being naturally an inarticulate cocksucker inadequate to any communication beyond "Hully gee, Mr. Rogers, you shure are fab YEW luss".

You know, I read your stuff, and I enjoy it, but the level of sycophancy in your threads generally keeps me from posting. That, plus the fact that when I post under my more common pseud, you either ignore my posts entirely, or give me (as you give most other people) ten word responses. Because you're so christly BUSY being this huge THANG, y'know.

But then I post something meant to be, for the most part, a kinda joke, figuring, you know, that you, with the sophisticated professional wit and all, would actually understand that a para like "Christ. Christ. Christ. The shit you see on Sunday when you don't wear a hat." is meant to be a joke. And what do I get? THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE WORDS of high fucking dudgeon, of crybaby overreaction, of "how DARE someone not stroke my pecker for me, let me just empty the fucking SILOS at THIS sonofabitch".

Jesus Christ, Rogers. Get your skirts down from around your head. I was kidding.

And, by the way, you amazing astounding brilliant goddam professional wordsmith, you... I don't know what the christ 'failry' is. Maybe it's Welsh or some shit. But 'fairly' is spelled as I have.

Okay, I'll go back to lurking now, and you can resume having your ass kissed as per usual.

DJ said...

Yes. Most of John’s friends are that Fucking Articulate, not me. I use cigarettes and scotch.

Anonymous said...

remember - as far as the army is concerned, gays, bad. neo-nazis, gooood.

Unknown said...

Bud, I responded because I was online a lot today doing research. (and here I am again, checking in as I e-mail drafts) I don't respond to any screen names in particular, and once comments get past about 12 or so, to tell you the truth, I rarely go back into a post. Sorry if you feel ignored. I hope everybody else understands that, too, and I haven't accidentally pissed anyone off.

Also sorry that I thought you were serious crazy dude instead of funny. I can chalk it up to two things:

1.) I've gotten serious hate e-mails WAY CRAZIER than that post. Way. Crazier. So, y'know, fair game, hard to read tone in text, etc.

2.) That weird resentment vibe you were using as a joke, is apparently how you actually feel -- witness your second post. Protest all you want that you're carefree merry prankster dude, but you are tweaking here. So it came across as real.

I cannot imagine how somebody can get so angry (and, again, don't kid yourself -- you're just fucking furious here) over a blogger apparently not being filled with enough humility to satisfy the standards of some anonymous poster. I've had plenty of people post here who don't agree with me, including, as it turns out, beloved high school friends who have called me a murderer for my abortion stance, and some very nice conservative folk who are disappointed I don't take terrorism seriously. We've had some very long conversations, in these comments, about such things. They have hardly been "kiss ass", but, then again, they made their points either well or amusingly.

Also, to be fair, you assume I didn't get the joke because I'm a self-righteous prick as opposed to, just maybe, I didn't get the joke because it didn't resemble one. There are no jokes in there. At all. You're not funny. You're angry, and you're passing it off as being funny. You're not. (and, to make sure there's no mistake in tone, that's not a triumphant, j'accuse "You're not." That's a genuinely concerned, have you fucked up a lot of relationships with this issue? "you're not.")

I don't know why you feel you have to obsessively take me down a peg. I don't know why you get so angry over somebody else "getting their ass kissed." I don't know why "Hey, nice post" is sycophancy to you. What am I supposed to do in your best case scenario when you post? Chuckle "Hey, that weird rant convinced me I AM a dick!" Who the hell would do that? Anyone? Ever?

You take the piss, and if I don't see the transcendent insight you've gifted me with, it's my problem? How fucking arrogant is that? Your post is the rhetorical equivalent of yelling "You suck" and then running out of the club and strutting up and down the sidewalk. There's no way I can see to respond to that other than a mix of puzzlement and scorn.

You don't annoy me because you prick my shallow ego. You annoy me a bit because you act the fuckwit. Stop that. You seem to be a smart guy. People are not nice here because I demand fealty. I don't bam anybody becuse they're not appreciative enough, or hell, even consistently disagree with me. They're nice here because we all share a lot of the same interests, despite occasional differences on the specifics. People make friends here. People support each others' projects and ambitions here. I maintain it as a place to post stuff I can't use anywhere else, and to take a break during the day and pick up comments and links from other geeks and comics. It's SUPPOSED to be mellow. This is my bar. You don't like the vibe, leave.

And that's not "emptying the silos". It's -- checking clock -- four minutes out of my day. The last one was maybe three minutes. It may seem like I put an enormous amount of time and energy, fueled by my inchoate rage at not being properly worshipped, into that first post, but not really. It just seems that way because I am that fucking articulate.

And hey, Doc Savage reference off the cuff. Worth the time.

wcdixon said...

Uhhh. I was going to stand up and try to write a witty response to Rectum... but I don't think that's necessary now. I'll just go back to my seat and sit quietly.

Unknown said...

And, to avoid further misinterpretation, imagine both posts delivered in low, pleasant tones of a patient bartender, rather than the shrieking girl-voice you have in your head. It changes the context immensely.

Anonymous said...

Okay.

See, five minutes after I first found your blog, some guy in one of your comment threads disagreed with you mildly about something you said, and advised that you needed to get over yourself. You completely melted down. I mean, you melted down so completely that even YOU, with your insanely massive head, became aware of it, and apologized profusely for it, in a post where you didn't enable comments.

Humor is a subjective thing, and tone is tricky online, yeah, that's true. And maybe it's just that I hang around too much at alicublog and By Neddie Jingo! and Bobby Lightfoot and The Poor Man and places like that, where insane, extreme, utterly irrational invective laden insult is implicitely UNDERSTOOD to be a put on. I'll cop to that.

Nonetheless, it simply never occurred to me, on a blog in which every third word is "O my god, look at me, I am this AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT PROFESSIONAL COMIC", that you wouldn't see the funny in phonetic spelling and a deranged level of cursing and Doc Savage references and, again, the para that I closed with.

I mean, christ in a kangaroo pouch and Julius H. Schwartz, man, don't you watch classic Saturday Night Live? How about Monty Python?

Am I angry with you? Bud, you can take my tone anyway you want, but you are far from perfect in perceiving intent, and frankly, I have very little more time for you than you do for me. I work ten hour shifts at a christly call center dealing with entitled pricks like you all goddam day long, I have a wedding coming up, I have three kids. And the fact remains, however much you may want to preen about how little time it takes you to type out several hundred unnecessarily defensive words of near complete hysteria against an imaginary attack that was simply meant to be a humorous response to a humorous post -- you don't respond on this level to the thoughtful things people say to you. You respond on this level when you perceive someone attacking you.

And, by the way, to those in your audience who respect your work and who come here because you're usually funny and sometimes wise and we actually enjoy good writing -- it ain't particularly charming when you're too lazy to get up off your ass and do a tiny bit of Googling, so instead, you open a window and shout "Hey, Hive Mind! Fetch me this cybernetic piece of peanut butter and toast!"

That people actually DO it, and nobody calls you on that completely disrespectful bullshit, is one of the very large factors in my diagnosis of rampant asskissing in your comment threads.

Whether you are aware of it or not, most of your commenters are trying out for you. They are posturing. You're on the Inside, we all want to be there, and they are doing their schticks in the hopes of making a connection that will somehow help them to, God help us all, get from where they are now to a place more like the one you have somehow attained. If you're horrified by the pathetic sadness of that truth, well, try to remember the life you had however long ago it was, back before whatever your big break was. You know. When you were just watching BUFFY like the rest of us, and thinking "fuck, how in the name of God does that sex-bot Warren built manage to take on his bodily fluids without shorting out, and what materials does he have to construct it out of that don't make it sink into the soft soil of that playground when its walking over to the swings to kick Buffy's ass?"

I fully understand that everyone in the world loves attention, and this blog is largely an attention-mine for you. It's that way for all of us with blogs, we wouldn't do it otherwise. But your insecurity is, in your position, deeply offensive to those of us who would trade places with you in a heartbeat, could we only work the mojo.

Now, I will apologize for breaking my previous assurance as to going back to lurking, and offer it up once more, and go back to my OWN damn blog, where I am grateful when the comment threads get up past, say, 6 frickin comments, and I answer every single goddam one of them.

Matthew E said...

And hey, Doc Savage reference off the cuff. Worth the time.

Not to mention a Kelly's Heroes reference, which I'm always glad to see.

Anonymous said...

Look, if he wanted to use this site to collect praise and compliments, he wouldn't have admitted he wrote "Catwoman", would he?

The Minstrel Boy said...

i love it when trolls log back on and unwittingly prove every single point that was just made.

Teddy said...

You're a funny sunnvabitch.


Love it.

Geoff Thorne said...

I can vouch for the pleasant tones.

As I don't drink I will take it on faith that Rogers is a competant liqour jockey.

And, yes, Rogers is quite witty and quite articulate in real world conversation. He's no Dorothy Parker but then neither was she.

Though I can't recall referring to him as Rogers anywhere but here.

Mileage may vary on any or all of these points.

DJ said...

Rogers is a competent liquor jockey. Much like Muhammad Ali was a fine boxer or Arnold palmer was a good putter. Mozart could kind of play the piano. Bobby Orr sure could skate…should I go on? I think not.

Anonymous said...

Back on topic for a second: Funny, in previous wars they really didn't care if you were queer, as long as you could hold a gun or fly a plane; they'd let you stay in until the war ended, and then the career soldiers--you know, the ones that joined because soldiering was macho--would have themselves a nice little nancy boy witch hunt. How necessary could this war be if they can be so frickin' picky?

WRT Unfunny Pseudonym Lad: There's a certain sort of fanboy who, in response to some sort of perceived slight, will respond with such a desperately vindicative, bitter, and above all absurdly lengthy rant that they more than confirm anyone's poor opinion of them. Ask Kurt Busiek about this if you get a chance (and haven't heard about it already--Ellis probably remembers the guy, from WEF days).

Anonymous said...

Why is it the most outspoken folks saying that the military should accept gays tend to be folks who have never seriously even considered donning a uniform and those who are most outspoken against it tend to be actively serving?

The reasons against it, like the arguments against women in front line units, are not about competence. Everyone knows there are many gays (and some women) who can do the job better than most of the men who are allowed to do it. But when you enter sexual relationship dynamics into the combat environment, it reduces the overall effectiveness of the fighting force for a myriad of other reasons that are distinctly separate from an individual’s job competence. A less effective force means that more of our troops die in combat.

The typical American soldier is willing to die if that’s what it takes to get the job done. But dying is not really plan A. Our troops deeply resent having those odds of their dying raised unnecessarily, even in the interest of fairness. Their job is to break thinks and kill people. Even on a good day it is dangerous business. They want the best chance to come home alive. Fairness is on their list of priorities. It just isn’t at the top of the list.

I suppose it is debatable whether allowing gays into the ranks would reduce those chances or not. But again, those who say it wouldn’t tend to have no direct experience in the military, and those who say it would are not likely to have any direct experience with the gay lifestyle either, hence the current impasse.

And it is interesting that at this moment in history the US is the one lone super power, not those other countries mentioned in the conversation. Perhaps one of the reasons we are currently so successful is that our military does things slightly different than those other countries?

Anonymous said...

Is there any way you can block that idiot (Imperious Asshole) from posting comments?
It would make it a lot more enjoyable for the rest of us.
God, why doesn't someone in his life shut him the hell up?

Anonymous said...

"Israel -- noted military wimps"

Erm, sorry... Wimps? We are not wimps. We are Very Big Men (and Women). And we got the guns to prove it.

Matthew E said...

I tend to go along with John Amos's Admiral Fitzwallace on this one:

"the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change [...] The problem with that is, that's what they were saying about me fifty years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve in the military. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an Admiral in the U.S. Navy, and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Beat that with a stick."

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kLINIK oBAT mANJUR said...

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Unknown said...

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obar herbal manjur alami said...

alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami

obar herbal manjur alami said...

alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami alami

Unknown said...

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Unknown said...

Orang yang mampu belajar dari kegagalan adalah pemenang, namun orang yang selalu menutupi kegagalan adalah pecundang