Tuesday, August 22, 2006

This is Technically Child Abuse


Still on deadline, so still linkwhoring. via both our old friend TBogg and the nastier friends at Something Awful we get the Armor of God PJ's. You know, God bless, and you're certainly free to take advantage of capitalism in ay way you see fit to serve your community. But don't expect not to get made fun of for it.

Yes, this is mean spirited. I am not a nice man. I'd think you'd know that by now.

The most interesting part for me is in the write-up:

"The whole Armor of God Pajama set will help your children to depend on God to protect them from their fears, doubts, and uncertainties at night so their sleep can be restful and peaceful."


"... depend on God to protect them from fears, doubts, and uncertainties"? Yeah, wouldn't want the kids to start early developing any constructive coping mechanisms for their daily life. Whatever happened to "God helps those who help themselves"?

You know what my Grandfather, a lifelong Catholic, once told me? "I believe in God. I just don't believe he's going to show up any time soon and loan me this month's rent."

I am paraphrasing. The actual quote is "I believe in God. I just don't think he's going to show up and kill those Nazis over there for me. So I'd best get to work. Hand me the fucking knife. No, the big one." But you get the point.

I will say, that fears, doubts and uncertainties at night are a problem, but really more as you hit 40 or so. I'll admit to some late-night panic attacks recently. So if they sold these in adult size, I would buy them.

And then have sex in them.

GAY sex.

I'm not even gay, but I'd feel obligated.

Seriously, now I want the adult ones, and I've probably pissed off the manufacturers, so they won't go for it. Dammit.

63 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:32 PM

    Awwww, c'mon, I think you can do better than gay sex to break these in.

    I'd lend you my Groenendael, but she's fixed. And I'm not sure if the pajamas would fit her.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous3:01 PM

    At first I thought the shield was only in the boys' PJ set, but the girls get one too. It's a pillow!

    I can just picture Rod and Tod Flanders having a set of these jammies.

    Really, these things are just asking for parodic elaboration. Like a set for adolescents that includes a Fortress of Purity Locking Codpiece.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous3:04 PM

    Scariest Halloween costume ever! Those costumes deserve a condom snuck in with the snickers bar for extra protection.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous3:56 PM

    Only one-on-one gay sex? I think it's a moral imperative to have an entire gay orgy in these. And videotape it. And post it to youtube.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Once upon a time I would have responded with "You faked this, right?" but now I have to admit that I can't doubt that it's true. The world is full of so many ugly things that this is just one more.

    I'm for breaking them in with a gay and beastiality orgy in the middle of a mega-church on a Sunday morning. It would only add a small touch to the sacrelige already going on and it would be such fun.

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  6. They got the hats wrong. Aren't they supposed to be tall and pointy, covering the entire head with cute little eye holes?

    But wait, there's more:

    http://www.armorofgodpjs.com/

    ReplyDelete
  7. It’s the great old joke. A man is in a flood plain and a major f flood is coming. But, he won’t leave because he is a man of faith and God will protect such a devoted Christian man.

    A State-Trooper pulls up in his cruiser “I am sorry sir you have to leave a major flood is coming” The old man waves him off and says. Son, I believe in god, he loves me and I will be fine. The trooper leaves.

    The floodwaters get higher. Over the first story of this mans house. A canoe shows up and they ask him to jump in because the flood is getting higher. The man say “Move on son. I believe in God and he loves me, I will be fine.”

    The floodwater reaches the height of the mans roof. He is sitting on the roof. A National Guard helicopter finds the man and hovers over him and into their load speaker says “Sir, this is your last chance, grab the rope and we will take you to safety. The man says, “ I am fine. I believe in God and that he loves me, I will be fine.”


    The waters rise. The old man drowns.

    He gets to heaven.

    He meets God.

    The first thing out of his lips is “God, I thought you loved me? Why did you let me drown?”

    God says, “Let you drown? I sent you a State-Trooper, a canoe and a frigg’en helicopter.”

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wouldn't Rod and Tod Flanders have gay sex in them, though?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Are you familiar with Holy Toast? You can imprint your bread with it and, presto, find the miracle image of the Virgin in your morning toast! I think it makes the ideal gift for the right wing Christian in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous9:55 PM

    So let's say you're a god-fearing kid, and you wet the bed. Is that a sin? Or did you just make holy water?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous12:58 AM

    Great joke! Thought for awhile it was something else. Oh my! Here we go again with sex thing being an obligation! For how many times should people be informed about sex!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous3:00 AM

    Awwww, c'mon, I think you can do better than gay sex to break these in.

    I think we've found the theme for the next Suicide Girls cabaret show...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous3:08 AM

    Julie, are saying people can eat the Virgin Mary? That's just wrong on so many levels.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous3:30 AM

    It's a shame that this moron wasn't wearing his God Armor™ PJs when he threw himself into the lions' den. They surely would have saved him.

    Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hm.
    +3 Pajamas? Toss in a +5 Holy Avenger and I'm buyin'!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous7:31 AM

    I like how on the "Links" page of http://www.armorofgodpjs.com/ you'll find this disclaimer:

    "Armor of God PJ's does not necessarily endorse the companies and institutions in the links below"

    Because, you know, some Christian based companies and institutions just can't be trusted...buy our PJs!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous7:57 AM

    I doubt it was the effect they were going for, but damn these do look like child sized Klan costumes.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous8:46 AM

    And then have sex in them.

    GAY sex.


    you say this like it's not happening already.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Is it wrong that, at age 38, I still have/wear a pair of those fuzzy pink PJs with the foot slippers built into them?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous12:36 PM

    Those are klantastic!
    I wonder if they're flame retardant, like regular PJs. I hope so, 'cause it'd be a shame if the little nippers had to miss a nice cross burning, just because of their PJs. I wonder if the same company makes adorable little child-sized burning crosses to go with the outfits.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous1:09 PM

    Is it wrong that, at age 38, I still have/wear a pair of those fuzzy pink PJs with the foot slippers built into them?

    i'm impressed that, at age 38, you can still fit into them...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Bah. Give me my Spiderwoman Underoos any day.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous3:27 PM

    Kids in "armor of God" PJs: "Trick or treat!"

    Guy at door: "Uh, sure, here you go, kids..."

    Later, at home:

    Susie: "Timmy, so what kind of candy did you get?"

    Timmy: "Mom, what kind of candy are "condoms""?

    Mom: "I don't know, Timmy - what flavor is it?"

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous3:43 PM

    So my thing is: why're they covered in English flags? I expect a certain type of patriotism from my crazies, so it's upsetting when they don't meet the grade.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dr. Dobsons replacing Dr. Dentons?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous5:15 PM

    "... depend on God to protect them from fears, doubts, and uncertainties"? Yeah, wouldn't want the kids to start early developing any constructive coping mechanisms for their daily life. Whatever happened to "God helps those who help themselves"?


    Just because a quote contains the word 'God' doesn't make it biblical. Granted, when it comes to depending on God, a certain amount of common sense is needed (eg. rent, Nazi disposal, middle east policy) - once you can tell the difference between God and a magical wishing well, however, I fail to see why faith is a destructive coping mechanism.

    And to add a disclaimer, my only quibble here is the dismissal of faith as somehow being a harmful value. The pjs are still extremely stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  27. i have those pj's, man.


    they keep me SAFE.

    ...and celebate.

    ReplyDelete
  28. DAN WROTE:
    i'm impressed that, at age 38, you can still fit into them...

    I barely reach the 5' mark, Dan.

    KJC (who pretty much lives in 5 inch Manolos)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous7:31 AM

    "...inspired by a mother reading Ephesians 6:10-18 every night to her daughter..."

    Have you read Ephesians 6:10-18? Some choice quotes:

    "...For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places..."

    "...taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one..."

    Every night. Before bed. To your little girl.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous12:55 PM

    What, no Broadsword of Righteousness? No Battle Ax of Piety?
    What a rip.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous1:18 PM

    ". . . no Broadsword of Righteousness? No Battle Ax of Piety?"

    They sold those for a while, but they were quietly dropped after the first few fatalities at rowdy slumber parties.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Pffh. I don't know why you guys complain so much--I think it's a good idea! I mean, it's not his best film, but anyone who wants to make Jackie Chan sleepwear has my vote, without question. (I presume the 'Drunken Master' sleepwear was deemed a little inappropriate.) It's a little unexpected from a Christian company, but...

    ...oh. Not that 'Armor of God'? Well, screw that, then.

    ReplyDelete
  33. crap, those God's PJs clowns can't even fucking spell "shield" right. ten bucks the jammies are made in China of the cheapest polyester they could find.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous11:28 PM

    These PJs make the kids look like England football fans. They are wearing hooligan uniform.

    - lee

    ReplyDelete
  35. Gay sex? Pfft. I'd wear 'em to go get an abortion.

    ReplyDelete
  36. The scariest thing... I have relatives who would buy these. Yes, for their children.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Anonymous10:31 AM

    Does anyone else think it looks like these two kids are heading off to bed together? I mean they are holding hands.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Anonymous1:44 AM

    Maybe Rape Bear could wear a pair of these in his movie. (when he rapes the bus maybe?)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anonymous11:14 PM

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    Jual Obat Kutil Kelamin Wanita
    Obat Kutil Kelamin
    Obat Kutil Kelamin Ampuh
    Obat Kutil Kelamin Tanpa Operasi
    Gejala Penyakit Kelamin
    Obat Kutil Kelamin
    Obat Kutil Kelamin Ampuh
    Obat Kutil Kelamin Tanpa Operasi

    ReplyDelete
  40. Penyakit kencing nanah bisa disebabkan oleh beberapa faktor seperti seks bebas, penularan, virus hpv, lingkungan, gaya hidup dan lainnya, Maka dari itu kita harus waspada dengan penyakit kencing nanah ini, karena penyakit kencing nanah sangatlah berbahaya, Namun untuk anda yang menderita penyakit kencing nanah, maka anda tidak perlu khawatir,

    ReplyDelete
  41. Sekitar Vagina Tumbuh Daging, Berbahayakah? Kutil Pada Kepala Penis mirip bunga kol atau jengger ayam, Merupakan Penyakit Yang diakibatkan Oleh Virus.Kutil kelamin, atau disebut juga condyloma acuminata, adalah kutil atau daging berwarna kulit atau keabuan yang tumbuh di sekitar alat kelamin dan

    ReplyDelete
  42. Sebelum kita membahas tentang pengobatan ambeien, dalam kesempatan ini
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    ReplyDelete