Sunday, June 07, 2009

Suuuure, It's Just An Umbrella ...

I have decided my hiatus project will be to learn Bartitsu, the stick-fighting style mastered by Sherlock Holmes. I shall not be dissuaded. I just have to find an instructor in L.A.

Sunday chat, in the Comments: You have a year, unlimited funds, and the choice of one skill to learn in that time. What is it?

99 comments:

alikitty619 said...

I would take flying lessons and learn how to fly a plane and helicopter.

CindyD said...

Travel and food critic/columnist for the Times. I'll begin refining my palate on the road in Spain and go from there...

CindyD said...

Alikitty619 can fly me and my witty group of dilettantes around.

Monika said...

Tough choice but I think I'll go with: As many aspects of programming and webdesign as possible.

Or plying the piano ;o)

Havenward said...

Learn to drive a stick shift and a motorcycle and drift through North America for a while. Lots to see, going the scenic route ;)

Jim Wright said...

Woohoo! Clown college here I come!

Rebecca said...

Is that what the naked Asian who leapt out of the trunk in The Hangover was practicing?

I'd rather learn one of the martial arts which does not require accessories of any kind so that I'm never in a position where I cannot defend myself for lack of an aid which I don't usually carry around. Holmes always had a cane or umbrella, I imagine. Are you planning to adopt a similar habit?

Actually, now that I think about it, being deadly with an umbrella has a certain sort of something about it...not sure if it's fearsome or comical though. Even though it would naturally have to be a full sized umbrella and not one of those little spring-up ones. There's a comic image for you.

I was kind of torn between the martial arts and the flying, but flying lessons are much more expensive than martial arts lessons. So I'll use the imaginary unlimited funds for the imaginary flying lessons and pick up the tab for the martial arts with my own real money.

I like the idea of martial arts as a form of exercise and defense because so many of them are practiced by people well into their 70's and even 80's, making it a true lifelong productive habit. And one that can still be worthwhile even if starting at a more, ahem, advanced age. (And mine is more advanced than yours.)

Oh, and I love my word verification: comentur. I am not just a commenter, or even a commentor, I am a comentur.

Cunningham said...

It worked for Steed.

I will be building my own house from cargo containers. So, all of the skills needed to accomplish that task.

Casey Moore said...

My one skill will be transform myself into a super spy. Or begin the process: race driving and stunt driving, martial arts, guns, knives, dress, gambling, boats. I will emerge the American Jams Bond. Or at least a slightly better dressed and in shape version of myself.

You can be "M" Rogers.

In reality, I would just take the money and go make a movie.

Daiv said...

Short Version, massage.
Long Version. I am already a certified massage therapist. So I will (oh, yes, I will!) go back to the school where i studied before, which just happens to be at a northern california hot springs nudist campground, and study every technique they offer, including Shiatsu. Spend my days learning massage, spend my nights soaking in hot springs with friendly naked people. This is my idea of paradise.
Everyone else can go learn to fight. I am going to learn to heal (because everyone knows you don't let the healer get hurt :=) )

Anonymous said...

I'd learn to play the violin. And maybe the guitar too.

Becky said...

I'd really like to learn how to play the fiddle or the banjo.

J-Po said...

I'd take home-ec courses until I could cook a perfect 7-course meal, sew together any clothes I wanted, and fix any appliance in the house.

Andrew Timson said...

It's not something that really costs money, but I'd appreciate not having to work to fund it: I'd like to spend the year working more of my million words of crap out of my system.

M. Lucey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M. Lucey said...

I would spend a year living in either Italy or France- learning to cook and to speak the lingua franca.

Lissie said...

Hmmm, that's a REALLY good question.

I would love to learn every language that exists..

I guess that's cheating cause its more than one language but Ive always wanted to know how to speak every language.

it would be amazing to go ANYWHERE in the world and pick up a conversation with ease.

Or to read the same book you've always read but see the differences in the meanings in German or any language.

Its really amazing..

Thanks for asking an awesome question :D

Phil Wheeler said...

Jim's already going to clown college ;) I'm already familiar with Northern Europe and Asia(and the Japanese language.) So I would learn Greek and Latin and spend the year in the Med with experts and historians learning ancient history and culture.

-dsr- said...

A year, unlimited funds, and the time to get it right?

Embezzlement.

Tara O'Shea said...

ASL. I've a lot of friends who are ASL Translators, and I can understand bits, but not much, and I've always wanted to learn. Especially as it can be hella useful in instances where there's no other way to communicate (like crowded clubs and restaurants).

I mean, I should probably choose something cool like aikido, kickboxing, or lockpicking. But I'm nothing if not left-of-centre, even when it comes to my fantasy life. And learning another way to communicate with other people seems really nifty to me.

S. Brady Calhoun said...

Sailing. Or more specifically how to sail on very long trips.

Steve B said...

For the umbrella, here:

http://www.real-self-defense.com/umbrella1.html

(I found the site a while back and bookmarked it. But I wear a jacket and hat everywhere so I don't carry an umbrella, and haven't ordered one yet.)

Skill?
I'd want to spend the time expanding my musical skills, such as in a year I could get seriously better at Chapman Stick or theremin. However I'd probably realistically spend a year improving my systems programming.

(Ahem. Verification word is "lazing". Time to get back to rehearsal.)

Joshua James said...

One year? Unlimited funds?

So much to choose from ... I think I might learn to read Sanskrit, just to say I did.

btw, there's a Japanese stick art called Jojitsu, I believe, that you can also look up.

Matt B said...

Parkour.

Ian said...

I think I'd (start) learn(ing) to be a zen monk.

Emily Blake said...

Just like you, I'd go martial arts, but I'd learn Wing Chun Kung Fu.

Rob Pugh said...

Bartitsu.org is your place to go for bartitsu these days. This post - http://www.bartitsu.org/index.php/2009/01/is-bartitsu-practiced-today/
lists training opportunities.

Doesn't look like any CA. For effective/realistic weapons and empty hands work, I'd recommend the Dog Brothers out of Hermosa Beach. Kali/arnis/eskrima.

A year? In Thailand, simultaneously working on my Muay Thai and learning thai massage.

Quine said...

@Joshua - I took first year Sanskrit as my foreign language requirement in college. Even as dead languages go, it's a pain in the ass and roughly as useful/impressive as esperanto.

The structure is fairly straightforward, but it ends up being an absurd amount of memorization. Three genders, singular\dual\plural and I think seven cases to properly conjugate nouns.

Anonymous said...

My choice: Samurai sword fighting for when the zombies come.
Because you can run out of shotgun shells.

Geoff Thorne said...

unlimited funds and one year?

I would finance a start-up NGO for my wife to run and people it with the pros in engineering, PR and international aid that would make it kick ass.

Toby S. said...

Breakdancing.

I'd get a chef and a trainer and just do a solid year of breakdancing. I'd get into disgustingly good shape, I'd be able to blow the minds of my students (30 year old whitebread French teacher with MAD BBOY SKILLZ?!), and I'd enjoy the crap out of it.

Runners-up: hang-gliding, MMA, surfing, sailing (all sizes), stunt driving, furniture making, traditional Indian dance, kenjutsu, tailoring...

Anonymous said...

Huh, that's an excellent question. Maybe I'd finally get around to learning Hebrew.

But I think it would be cooking or baking. A year to finally get the hang of the perfect Thai curry or a loaf of whole wheat. I'm an okay cook, but I'd really like to be better.

Kat said...

I'd learn to play the piano.

Anonymous said...

Jazz clarinet, particularly to sound like Bill Smith (an old friend and co-conspirator of Dave Brubeck's). Fortunately, the guy has actually written a book on the subject:

http://www.parksidepublications.com/jazzclarinet.html

Since I do not know how to play the clarinet and have only high school expertise with those instruments I do know, I'd need the full year and then some.

Most jazz clarinet I've heard leans towards the shrill, but dig up a copy of Brubeck's "Blue Lake Tahoe" and prepare to be pleasantly surprised. Playing like that would be worth a year of my life.

Interested Soldier said...

Wingsuit BASE jumping. The closest (that I can see) a person can get to flying.

CAPCHA: "propr" - Proper, improperly spelled.

Angela Hunt said...

I would make another movie.

Which I'll be starting to do anyway, even without the time and money.

serinade said...

Would become a certified Parelli Horsemanship instructor & build a state of the art equestrian facility to teach in.

EmanG said...

piano, no contest.

Phil Wheeler said...

BTW, even though the English spell it differently, in Japanese it it 'baritsu'. The other pronunciation makes it sound like something else. (the u is silent at the end)

Some insights for Westerners into mastering a martial art (Aikido in his case) are in the book 'Silent Power'by Stuart Wilde.

Rob Pugh said...

The Japanese call it baritsu because that's what Doyle called it in the Holmes story.

But the art itself Doyle was most likely thinking of, given it's popularity at the time, was rightly called bartitsu.

Most chalk it up to Doyle misremembering/mistranscribing the term.

cdt said...

Playwriting.

As for Aikido, Angry White Pyjamas by Robert Twigger's a good book.

Mark Waid said...

Sleight-of-hand.

Mike Cane said...

Mathematics and programming.

With those two, I could go on to anything else!

Glenn Hauman said...

-DSR- for the win; exactly where I was going. With enough money socked away, I can pick up the rest of the skills in years 2 through whenever.

If not embezzlement, then financial management, take a 2% fee for managing those unlimited funds, and go on from there with a skill set to manage my 2% of the take.

nolo said...

@Quine --

I studied Sanskrit in grad school, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Of course, it helped that my instructor was a linguist, so there was a focus on what Sanskrit's role in the whole development of indo-european languages. It also helped that we used a translation (as opposed to memorization) approach. We used the old Whitney grammar book that Harvard still publishes, along with the Lanman Sanskrit reader also published by Harvard, which was another reason it was fun. Reading and relying on texts that were created by 19th century philologists helped me to understand philology, and gave me some great insights into the nature of that intellectual movement.

Plus, it is fun to say you've done it.

pamb said...

I'd like to learn to spin different fibres, weave, and knit. Nothing like handmade to keep you warm, and everybody needs clothes. Plus, it keeps your hands busy - you can knit in front of the TV or on the bus or waiting in line.....
Or go back and learn more quantum physics and string theory.

LB said...

Hawaiian Slack Key guitar lessons on a surf board while wearing scuba gear. After I got sick of that I would go to Burgundy and learn how to make excellent wine and cheese.

pamb said...

LB - can I bring my knitting to France and learn about wine and cheese also? Hadn't even thought of wineries!

Anonymous said...

Fucking Angelina Jolie.

I would MASTER that skill.

I would need her help, though.

greaves said...

If you ever make it up to San Francisco, we have Bartitsu practice most Saturdays. (Mostly focused on La Canne.) There's also a sister group in Seattle. Unfortunately I don't know anyone to point you at in LA, but if you are dedicated to the idea, you could come north and we'll get you started.

Xactiphyn said...

I'd learn How To Terraform Your Own Planet In 30 Days, including designing your own species to inhabit it, with hands-on practice on several planets I get to keep.

You were serious about the funds being unlimited, right?

If funds were more limited I'd finally learn how to play an instrument.

Marty Nozz said...

I'm tempted to follow Waid's lead on slight of hand since it does fascinate me. Ballroom dance is tempting. I'd have to go with kyusho jitsu since it would be more practical for me.

Nice choice with Bartitsu, although you'll probably have some difficulty finding an instructor in LA. There was a really good article on the art in Classical Fighting Arts magazine last year.

John Seavey said...

I'd say cooking, but lots of people have already picked that, so I'll go with car repair. I'd love to be able to know how to do anything and everything needed to turn a total junker into a classic.

Unknown said...

I'm surprised no one has said it yet, but I'd learn to draw respectably. If by some chance I could fit it in doing colors as well would be a score.

If we're going for more fanciful, I'd learn to sail around the world, only because I could then spend my unlimited money on an appropriate boat to sail and live on as I meandered around.

Stefan Jones said...

What Mark said. I'd love to have a planet with custom designed continents and a race of uplifted meerkats at my command.

Barring that . . . I'd like to get good at building electronic stuff. I can barely solder; I'd love to be able to cobble together the kind of cool stuff they show off in MAKE magazine.

This actually wouldn't cost much, but I'd probably pay a lot for some kind of meds to stay motivated and focused.

Threat Quality Press said...

A backflip. I just want to learn how to do a backflip.

Man, if I could do that, I would do it all the god-damn time.

Something good happens in my life? Backflip for joy.

Something bad happens in my life?
Backflip for sadness.

Nothing happens in my life?
Backflip to relieve the tedium.

It is the most applicable skill in the world.

msd said...

I thought this question was great so I posed it to my co-workers at coffee break and now I fear I work with unimaginative people!

As for me, I think I have to combine learning a language and cooking!

Unknown said...

I would spend a year at the Own Root Fruit Tree project, learning how to propagate apple trees create a coppiced orchard.

Since you asked.

someofparts said...

learn Spanish

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