Friday, June 24, 2005

'elllllloooo Clinton!

Oh, and the one thing that really, REALLY drives me nut-shudderingly mad is when I point out something about the current administration's policies, and I hear: "But Clinton --"

Boom. Done. You have just forfeited. You've just said "I have no rebuttal or ideas which contribute meaningfully to a discussion of the policies of the guy who not only is running the country right now, but has been doing so with the moral force of 9/11 behind him and full control of both Houses for the last FIVE. GODDAM. YEARS and so has the closest to absolute power of any President in a HALF CENTURY. There is no reasonable argument I can make based on current facts. I must pull up some comparison to Clinton -- "

Clinton has been gone for FIVE YEARS people. He is an ex-president! 'E's passed on! This president is no more! He has ceased to be president! 'Is term's expired and he's gone! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of legislative life, 'Is political processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off Air Force One, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!!

You know why this doesn't work as a reasonable argument? (Other than the skull-shredding simplicty of the above analysis?) It fails the EEBC.

Extrapolated Everyday Bullshit Comparison. Politics are often so rarified, and the arguments so bound in the theoretical, it always helps to employ the Kung Fu Monkey EEBC test. We take the idea under discussion OUT of politics, put it INTO an everyday situation, and see if it holds up.

For example, say you and I go to a restaraunt. It has been under new management for five years, completely restaffed. All new cooks. You order your food.

Your plate arrives topped with a huge, steaming pile of crap. And then they hand you the bill.

Now, as you stare at this, as you stutter, "Sweet God, they just gave me a PLATE of HUMAN FECES" --

-- I say "Well, yeah, but you should've seen what they served five years ago, under the old management."

Does that make any sense? Is that in any way relevant? In ANY universe? Of course not. You'd drive my forehead into the table, repeatedly. With justification.

And so we see the previous rhetorical tack fails the EEBC. So don't use it. Anymore. Ever.

By the way, the EEBC can be used in almost any situation. Say, oh, your child develops cancer. And he dies, agonizingly. And you find out that your oncologist, Dr. Rumsfeld, really didn't plan out the treatment very well, and also didn't care that your child, your only, sweet, sweet child, was treated with second rate equipment.

And when you confront Dr. Rumsfeld, he shrugs his shoulders and says "You fight cancer with the medicines you have, not the medicines you want."

You'd spend an hour kneeling on his chest, screaming, breaking every bone you could before the orderlies pulled you off.

On second thought, don't use the EEBC too often. That way lies madness. Common sense can break a man in the modern age.

28 comments:

Sizemore said...

We have a similar problem:

"Sure Blair is a slimy prick, but he's better than Howard/Thatcher/David Warner in Time Bandits..."

Cool. Great. And cancer of the left nut is better than cancer of both nuts so let's pin a medal on Lefty the Tumor and wish him all the best.

ZenPupDog said...

I say get rid of the professional politicians, and stick folks who don't want to be there in the job.
I hate the obviousness of the GOP's actions. It's akin to watching a five year old stealing when he thinks no one sees him. My turncoat sister knows I'll remind her that her "new" hero Ronald Reagan was a rapist - so at least she stay silent on that topic.

A Guest Blog on Ronnie

Be well! - ZPD

Anonymous said...

For God sakes, man. I hereby remove your right (yes, on your own blog) to post longwinded politcal rants.

More with the funny, the geekery, and the tech.

Please.

Nothin' but love.

-Matt

Unknown said...

Matt --

it goes in phases, and depending on how close to 3 am it is when I post. Some people find these things useful or amusing, so skip over them. The Doctor Who jokes'll be along in a while.

Anonymous said...

Understood. :)

Sending positive energy your way for a 15 page workday, full of sharp dialogue, dramatic irony, and killer reversals.

Done and done. :)

Best-
-Matt

Anonymous said...

John, you better not give up the long-form political rants. When you're on (as in the previous two posts), you're one of the best.

Stefan said...

A few months ago I got really sick of that as well on UseNet and mentioned it saying there needs to be a Godwinn's Law about it. Somebody suggested calling it Stefan's Law since I said it. It's used at times now. But mostly in the wrestling NG it originated in that is always full of political posts.

Anonymous said...

Just remember to keep voting. If you don't, the wrong lizard might get in.

Astronaut Mike Dexter said...

All due respect to opposing viewpoints, but telling John to cool it with the political rants would be like telling Sandy Koufax "Stop pitching so well," or Angelina Jolie "Quit going out in public looking all hot like that."

Keep it up, John, you understand me? Keep. It. Up. The only thing wrong with your political rants is that Democrats on Capitol Hill aren't reciting them on the floors of the House and Senate word for word. Other than that? Flawless.

Anonymous said...

Ghod, what a great Fscking Rant! The analogy is Dead On. Do I have your permission to trot this out the next time the rightwingers in the office start mouthing off about Clinton?

I found this Blog by playing Six Degrees, I have added it to bookmarks toolbar right next to Kos.

Matt,

I bust a gut reading the post. If I couldn't Laugh about what Cr*p is going on with GW and the rest of the theocrats currently in power, I'd be stuck in a dark room quietly going insane.

Spanky said...

I've been a Bush supporter since he ran for President the first time. Some of the things he has said lately have really embarrased me:

"I think about Iraq every day,....every single day."

Well hot damn man, I should f&*king hope so, seeing as we're at war. I want to support him. I really, really do. But he has done more to make me consider leaving the Republican party than any body else. Where's the Tylenol?

-Devin.

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